Life Notes
by Blocking Brainwaves
Summary: Santana obsessively writes in her notebook wherever she goes. She writes things she sees, bits of poetry, little doodles. It has been 4 years since her words have been something she is proud of. An encounter with a certain blonde changes everything. / AU
1. Caffeine Blush

You know that extreme anger that comes with waking up at a ridiculous time of day only to find out you ran out of instant coffee without realizing it? And when you get to your regular coffee shop you go to every day only to realize that it has yet to open up because you typically aren't awake at such an ungodly hour? How the hell isn't a coffee shop open at five in the morning anyway?

I don't pride myself in having become one of those typical coffee dependent types. Add that to my list of flaws, I suppose. Could be worse. I could have an early morning crack addiction, yeah? Pretty sure all the crack houses aren't open this early either.

I need specific things in the morning to be able to function properly throughout the day. Coffee, my red bike and whatever notebook I happen to be using that week. Typically it only takes me a few days to scribble through all the pages in an average sized notebook. Filling each and every line with various thoughts, ideas, observations, stories, doodles – I just don't feel like I can function properly in the morning without successfully filling up a few pages of a notebook, front and back. I don't like to waste space.

Locking my bike on the wrack in front of a little coffee shop I finally found, I quickly rush inside, so thankful that I finally found one open at this time of morning. Unfortunately I found one with the name _Perkin' Around_. They think that's witty, don't they? It was extremely small inside, well kept, very warm and instantly comfortable. I guess this is the kind of place the locals really take pride in. I haven't been living in this town for more than a few months but I instantly felt a connection with this place that went beyond small town feelings.

There were only a few tables and chairs total scattered around the space in front of the counter where only one local sat, an old man with a large cup of black coffee, scowling out the window he was sitting beside. Yeah, I could get used to this place.

Rushing to the counter, I came face to face with a bright, far too bubbly for this time of morning, teenager greeting me through her brace filled smile, freckles poking out through her pale skin. "Good morning! My name is Ashley and I'm just _Perkin' Around_, how are you?"

Maybe I wouldn't like this place after all. I mean, she seemed like a nice kid, probably no older than fifteen, but god damn she was far too bubbly for my shitty morning. Realizing I was kind of just staring at this excited blonde kid trying to formulate words at such an awful time of morning, I cleared my throat and attempted to give her a little smile, though it immediately fell from my face. "Uh, hey. I'm okay. Can I get a white mocha with an extra shot in whatever is your largest size?"

The tiny blonde immediately fist pumped after I told her my order, as if I just said something worth celebrating and quickly punched some numbers into the cash register. I raised an eyebrow at her as she shook her hips to a song I could only assume she was playing in her head and waited rather impatiently for my total. I handed over the money and got more change back than I originally do when I go to my regular coffee shop. Maybe I'll have to make the switch. I guess I could handle this kid bursting with energy and the angry old man in the corner on a daily basis.

The girl behind the counter, Ashley, quickly grabbed a big cup and a sharpie, turning to me with that toothy smile that hasn't once left her face throughout our entire transaction. "What's your name?"

"Santana..." I muttered, my body remembering once again that it needed this liquid inside it to function properly. Why would she even ask my name? It's only me and that old fucker in here, there's no way our orders could possibly be mixed up, let alone our faces.

The girl's constant smile fell the moment my name escaped my lips, her eyes growing comically wide as they searched my face. I shifted uncomfortably, not understanding the sudden change in her mood. I felt awkward under her sudden studying of my facial features, so awkward that I had to say something to make it stop. "What?" It came out a little sharper than I had originally intended, but damn it I just needed some coffee, not someone to analyze every wrinkle of my face.

"That's so pretty." The girl did not seem phased by my attitude at all. She just stared in awe at me, as if it wasn't just my name she thought was pretty. There was nothing sexual about her leering, it was almost as if she was just now truly understanding that I was a person, with a name, standing in front of her demanding coffee.

"Uhm... thank you..." I finally mumbled out after trying my hand at trying to figure out what the girl was thinking, or even seeing for that matter. It was far too early for me to put on any kind of make up and my hair was a little disheveled from the bike ride over. I know she was still talking about my name but the way her eyes were darting over my facial features had me questioning if perhaps she wondered why someone with a pretty name would have such an unpretty way of presenting herself.

Finally the girl broke her gaze, seeming far less chipper than she was only seconds before and went to make my order. This left me frowning a bit, wondering what on earth just happened. I took this opportunity to immediately grab my cup when she finished it, mumbling a quick "thank you" before hurrying over to a small table in the corner of the room, opposite that old guy who glanced at me with a sour look on his face.

Waiting for my steaming beverage to cool, I immediately opened the notebook I had been clutching in one hand the whole time, turning to the next blank page I could find. Immediately digging my pen out of my hoodie pocket, I began to scribble words as they quickly came to my mind and several minutes later I had an entire page complete. With a heavy sigh, as if it was a huge relief to get these words out of my mind and into my notebook, I set my pen down and reached for my drink.

While indulging myself in the drink I had been craving all morning, I glanced around the little coffee shop. It was still only that old guy who had a permanent look of discontent adorning his face and the bubbly Ashley girl behind the counter, though she no longer had that pep in her step ever since I told her my name. The hell was that all about anyway? I wasn't intending to stare at the teenager but evidently I had been looking her direction long enough for her to feel my eyes on her. She looked up at me and immediately made eye contact, quickly averting her gaze with a faint blush I never would have noticed if her skin wasn't so pale. How awkward.

Chugging down more than half of my beverage, I quickly went back to my writing, losing myself in the words for a good ten minutes before a sound caught my attention. The little bell that dings when a person enters the shop caused my pen to slip a little on the word I was writing. A curse was muttered under my breath while my curious eyes found the reason for the noise go bouncing up to the counter. The woman was slightly taller than the counter girl Ashley and by their matching blonde hair and the way she was embracing the smaller girl, I guessed they were related, perhaps sisters. Before I knew what was happening, my discarded pen was already back between my fingers, anxiously scribbling down a description of the new woman in the coffee shop, who appeared to be about my age. It was as if my brain was frantically telling me to make sure I remembered the beauty before my eyes would have to suffer looking at something that wasn't her.

They were having an excited conversation I couldn't help but hear. After all, this place was very small. I'd been listening to Ashley hum a tune quietly out loud the entire time I'd been in the place and could hear every grumble the old man released while he read his paper. Sound could really carry in this little room.

"Brittany! What are you doing here so early?" Ashley greeted the tall blonde, evidently named Brittany, her excited voice trailing through the air into my ears. Brittany. I quickly jotted that down in my notebook before I could even realize I was doing so. That wasn't unusual for me, though. I'd already written about old fucker and Ashley on the previous page when I first sat down. I just couldn't help it, I had to write these things down. It was like life notes or something. I was well aware that most people didn't need to obsessively write down the things they saw throughout daily life but I was constantly searching for inspiration and a way to remember things, remember _everything_. I tried to keep my eyes focused on the page of paper below my fingers, but I couldn't help when my gaze drifted up to the pair every few seconds. It was almost as if my hand had a mind of its own when it scribbled something down in my notebook without me even looking down as my eyes analyzed the new blonde's features. I blinked a few times, trying to remember what my hand just wrote without my eye's consent. With a quick glance down at the page I read _Beautiful Brittany_. I was glad no one could see what I was writing or my blush through my olive skin, because I was pretty damn embarrassed of that scribble. It was true, of course, but I didn't even realize I had been thinking it, let alone wrote it down.

Tossing my pen down on the page, I quickly used my left hand to distract it from writing by downing more of my beverage, watching the scene play out in front of me over the rim of my cup. "Baby sis, you know I can't sleep when I have an audition! I need some fuel for today, I'm going to need it." I heard Brittany say to Ashley with a pleasantly big smile, though even I could tell it was filled with nerves. They were both behind the counter facing each other now, giving me the perfect angle to watch the scene play out. I couldn't stop listening to their conversation as much as I wanted to. It was so quiet in here, after all, I kind of didn't have a choice in the matter. I didn't have headphones with me and honestly wouldn't have even put them on if I did.

"Shit, that's right! Sor-" Ashley was cut off by Brittany's disapproving look and voice. "Ash..." Obviously she didn't want her to use that kind of language. I've never understood that sisterly bond, probably because I don't have a sister. Or any siblings for that matter. Growing up surrounded by friends who were constantly annoyed by their siblings one would think would make a person happy they don't have to deal with that. I suppose I'm one of the exceptions to that assumption. I always wanted a sibling, younger to be preferred, but I'm fairly certain it's a little late to keep that wish alive. Life without siblings got pretty boring and left a void that could never ever be filled by anything else. It's just something I will never experience in life. I just have to keep hope alive that I'll find something else to fit there someday.

My staring became hard to manage and I was watching the whole scene play out in front of me when Ashley's eyes darted over to the old man who was looking her way with that permanent glare still glued to his features, clearly bothered by her word choice far more than Brittany seemed to be. Brittany's eyes followed the direction of Ashley's until they both landed on me, my eyes immediately widening as if I were a two year old with my hand caught in the cookie jar. Sure, I wanted to devour Brittany's cookie features- wait, what? My awkward thoughts and obvious staring made my face heat up immediately and my head duck back down to my notebook before I could engage in any actual eye contact with either sister. Don't look up, don't look up, don't look up. Pretend to be writing, reading, do something. My hand immediately started scribbling again as if I didn't do anything odd or stare like a creeper. I could hear one of them giggle and I so desperately wanted to look up, to see the source of the laughter, but I already knew. For the little I'd heard of their conversation my mind already had a clear understanding of their differences in tone. The giggle was undeniably the smaller girl's and I just knew she could tell by my expression where my mind had gone. Crap.

My gaze may have been averted to ward off any more embarrassing situations my eyes could land me in but I could still feel both sets of eyes boring into my face. It took everything in me to ignore it and once I heard a voice speak up, I wished I had brought my headphones so I could have tuned out of this conversation. "Who's that?" I heard Brittany say quietly to Ashley with what sounded like peaked interest. Interest? I mean, I was definitely the most interesting customer in here right now. And the hottest. I'm one hundred percent convinced that if it came down to a sexy off with me versus sweater vest wearing old fucker, I'd probably win. I mean, that sweater vest may have worked for Edith Bunker but I highly doubt that would get any pretty blonde going. Not that that was the reason for her interest... but hey, a girl could dream. What am I even thinking? This is a tiny ass coffee shop in a middle of nowhere town where the only customers who come in probably come in every single day, see: old fucker. I would be confused if a shifty Latina was suddenly hanging out in the same room as an angry old fucker at five in the morning too.

"That's Santana!" I didn't have to see it to know what expression Ashley was wearing. I had only experienced a few minutes of the girl's presence but that was enough to immediately realize that she was always that peppy. Plus, evidently she thought my name was pretty if that awkward moment when I entered the coffee shop was any sign. Though she sounded quite excited when she told her sister my name, she made sure to say it as quietly as she could and still hold the same amount of enthusiasm. I could tell she didn't want me to hear her say it but I did. Of course I did, even old fucker did if the look he was currently sending my way was any indication. I was getting the vibe, from the gruff disinterested noise that released from the back of his throat, that he did not appreciate the fact that my name wasn't boring like Sara or something racist like Carlos. Well, I doubted he thought my name was Carlos because even though he was old, he did not seem blind. I noticed his tired eyes scan over my chest upon entering the place.

Don't look up, don't look up, don't look up. Apparently as much as I repeated this in my head, my body wouldn't listen. When my eyes dared to look up at the two of them behind the counter I was immediately thrown into a pool of blue, locking eyes with the person who I already had a feeling I would encounter again. There was something about her that I couldn't quite figure out, something that had nothing to do with never even having said a word to her before, something I couldn't shake, something that forced me to keep eye contact that I really shouldn't want to keep. Eye contact with strangers is typically an awkward affair but something about this made an odd calm wash over me I didn't have prior to this. The rough state of my morning had left me in a bitchy mood for the little time I was here, but here I was, making eye contact with a stranger that proved I had heard every word the two had said though I had been attempting to feign innocence to this whole conversation beforehand.

There was a small, almost unnoticeable smile playing on thin, pink lips that my eyes involuntarily darted down to, only temporarily breaking eye contact with blue then immediately losing themselves in the ocean once again. I swallowed, realizing I was kind of staring and had yet to say a word. But then again, what was I supposed to say? I'm pretty sure we weren't even supposed to be making eye contact right now or even acknowledging one another's presence, yet here we were seemingly stuck in a never ending eye lock. As much as I should have been happy to have the moment immediately come to a halt upon hearing a loud clearing of a throat, I was more annoyed than anything, recognizing the deep sound as having to be the only male voice in the room. Old fucker had ventured up to the counter the two blondes were standing behind, looking more bothered than ever, waving his empty coffee cup in the air. Ashley immediately got the hint and seemed to reluctantly break her stare away from what she was looking at, which I realized was the weird moment I had just had with who I assumed was her sister. If one could even call it such a thing. My eyes were now focused on the old man, thinking if I avoided looking at her then maybe I could get myself to stop being such a creepy staring person. Ashley seemed to immediately whip him up a refill to which he didn't even say a thank you for. He grumbled his way back to his small table, muttering "lesbians" as if we couldn't all hear him clear as day.

My eyes widened a little at his lovely assumption but I was mostly just taken aback by an old man who didn't seem to give a shit about anything picking up on the little moment I shared with the blonde. Thankfully, once again, my skin tone covered up the fact that I was blushing profusely. Honestly, this never happens. Santana Lopez does not blush, yet here I go, twice in one day and it wasn't even noon yet. That thought alone reminded me why I was here, quickly focusing my gaze on the coffee cup in front of me, taking big gulps as if my functioning depended it on – which at this point, I really felt like it did. My hand immediately found its way back to my pen and neglected notebook. I didn't want to see the reactions of the two girls, I just wanted to begin feeling calm again. Settling my gaze on the open page, I heard Ashley say something about school and showing Brittany something in the back. The hurried footsteps led me to believe they went into the back and I knew I was alone with old fucker now. I chanced a quick glance over at him and wasn't surprised to see he looked just as grumpy as ever. With a deep sigh, I began to scribble down the words that, unbeknownst to me, would change the entire course of my life.

It had been four years since I last wrote something I felt worthy of being kept. Pages and pages of notebooks still rest at the bottom of my dusty bedroom closet, pages crinkled and long since forgotten. Writing used to be a way of coping for me, something I could always turn to when I had nothing else, a way of breathing, something I thought I would never lose. All my life, for as far back as I can remember, I constantly wrote things down. Whether it be for homework throughout grade school or on a simple post it to remember something, writing seemed to haunt me. Grocery lists were often cluttered with various lines of simple strung together words I couldn't get out of my mind. Beneath the reminder to get a new carton of milk and more shampoo there would be quick chicken scratches of sudden inspiration that wouldn't leave me alone. I'm pretty sure I didn't intend to go to the grocery store for:

- milk

- eggs

_- the soft wind unkempt, a breeze beneath my wake_

- shampoo, toothbrush

_- her knuckles ignite my skin and my cry was the furthest thing from a symphony one woman can express_

- loaf of bread

But these things constantly threatened my thoughts so often that I truly believed if I didn't write them down then I would regret it for the rest of my life. And I try not to have regrets.


	2. Bing Bang Beep

Chapter TWO – _Bing Bang Beep_

Glancing at the clock in the back of the coffee shop I soon realized I had been sitting inside this place for almost two hours straight. My eyes trailed around the small room, attempting to gain back their focus on something that doesn't have horizontal lines and chicken scratch all over it. Ashley was behind the counter cleaning one of the coffee machines, Old Fucker was still in here too on what I would only imagine was his fifth or sixth cup of joe, there was one new addition to the room – another old man that looked much friendlier than Old Fucker sitting in the opposite corner. No sign of those blue eyes that sparked some weird inspiration that had me stuck in the writing zone for a good chunk of time. I suppose she slipped out the back at some point because I would have noticed hearing her voice again.

I couldn't remember the last time I actually sat and wrote non stop with no distractions and no pause to search for inspiration for almost two hours. It was kind of amazing, really. It was as if something inside me was lit aflame, something I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. The only thing that really snapped me out of my zone was the feeling of hunger in my stomach that craved nourishment. I carefully shut the notebook I was working in and stuck it in my big hoodie pocket with my pen where it had been resting earlier this morning.

With every intention of leaving, I stood up and glanced at the counter. To my surprise Ashley was already looking over at me with a small smile.

"You really like to write..." It was more like a statement than a question directed toward me. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised she said something about my obsessive writing. That's a trait that anyone around me for more than a few minutes would immediately pick up on and most of the time it is questioned. Hearing it directed toward me laced with such fact and what seemed to be simple understanding and no judgement was kind of refreshing. Most people I have encountered don't love the fact that I can barely stop writing for more than a few minutes at a time. Evidently there's something weird about that.

"Yeah, I do." My response came out much quieter than I intended for some reason. I was feeling a little too exposed for my liking. I never intended to sit in this little coffee shop for two hours scribbling like a maniac in a notebook without ever moving or acknowledging anything or anyone around me. I got lost in thought and creativity, it really just hit me when I had least expected it. Crappy morning coffee cravings to weirdo who can't stop writing in her notebook for hours at a time. Not how I expected this day to go.

"What were you writing about?" Ashley was staring intently at me, seeming to actually be genuinely interested.

"Everything." I found myself replying quickly and quietly because it's the truth. I thought she would press harder for something more specific but instead she just gave me a big smile, something that I've come to realize after my short time spent here that is her signature, and nodded a little.

"Thanks for stopping by!" Ashley must have picked up on my need to get out of this place because her goodbye was cheery as she skipped back over to the coffee machine she had been cleaning.

My eyes stayed on her back for a moment, thinking back to the weird moment from this morning, before turning to really leave this time. Old Fucker shot me a glare before I left which I expected and had my own glare already ready for him. That seemed to catch him off guard a bit because his face faltered only for a moment before looking angry once again.

The cool breeze made reality set in. I've been trapped in my own mind for the past few hours so fresh air is a welcome change of pace. Unlocking my bike from the rack in front of the shop, I hop on and peddle my way back toward my apartment. I didn't have much to do before work today but I did plan to read over my writing and try to piece together some things, make sense of it all. Before I hit home, however, I made a stop at the bread store and bought two loaves of the cheapest bread they have. There is a handlebar basket on my bike, yeah the old lady kind, where I transport my groceries and whatever else is necessary.

Across the street from my apartment building is a small pond that is always occupied by ducks. Part of my daily ritual is going over to this pond at some point throughout the day and feeding the ducks. There are tons and tons of them, as if they think this is the only pond in the city. I mean, it very well may be, I haven't been able to explore as much as I would have liked since moving here.

Resting my bike on its kick stand, I grabbed one of the loaves of bread and made my way to the edge of the water where ducks were already swimming toward me. I'm pretty sure they just see me and know at this point that they will be fed well.

"Hey guys!" I find myself saying even though I'm well aware that they, you know, can't speak my language or anything. Ducks aren't necessarily my favorite animal but something about them just made me want to give them food everyday. It's just nice to feel needed, even if it's by feathered creatures.

They quacked and waddled their way over toward me. Pulling the bread apart into little pieces I threw some in the water and in the grass around me, careful to pay attention to the smaller ducks that have a harder time making it over to the food before the faster ones. My favorite duck of them all is a little black one with one wing and a limp to its waddle. I have no idea what happened to it but it always seems especially grateful for the bread, choking it down like a champ. I took to referring to it in my head as Bing. It was little and cute and I felt bad for it. I was also tired of calling it the reject duck or the broken duck so I just had to give it a name.

"Hey Bing, c'mere little man." I looked at the little black duck as he waddled toward me. Okay, so I don't really know that it is a boy either but I couldn't bear to call him an 'it'. It just felt mean.

For a duck that seemed to have had something awful happen to it to be in this condition, he never shied away from me. I would guess the other ducks got to the food before him as he always seemed to be starving, a reason I tried to make it back here as often as possible, which didn't prove to be that hard considering it was right across from where I live.

I always made sure to give Bing a little extra than the others because of his condition and apparent lack of food. It was a weird relationship, if one could call it that, but it worked and I liked it. Bing is my only real friend in this town. He's a good listener.

Later that day, after several hours of working at _The Book Nook_, I found myself at a sketchy bar on the south side of town. As small as this city was, there were still more run down parts and this was definitely one of them. Long hours surrounded by pieces of literature I could never even dream of writing and the taunting of success they have brought to the authors tends to bring me down some days. Today is one of those days.

There was a dude named Puck tending bar and it looked like he had a dead animal on his head. When I told him this he just scoffed and gave me a beer without even making eye contact. I'm not so great with people. I mostly just couldn't stand them.

Taking several swigs, notebook already set out on the bar and my hand working furiously to describe the place on the lines, I take a deep breath when I see movement out of the corner of my eye. Someone was fast approaching me and I had to blink rapidly a few times to force my head to turn in that direction to be sure I wasn't about to be some casualty in a cheesy movie style bar fight.

Turns out I just fell victim to an awful pick up line from some scummy dude wearing a fedora. A motherfucking fedora. Number one, as if. Number two, fuck off. It didn't take too many glaring moments to cause him to scram without even uttering a word.

Like I said, I'm _fantastic_ with people.

With a shake of my head and another toss back of my beer, I easily get another page or two done, the words flowing onto the pages much faster than I'm used to.

A loud crash broke me from my writing frenzy.

I stop all my motions as I see Puck leap over the bar and hurry over to the pool table where two men are letting each other have it. Fist, kick, punch. I swivel in my chair and before I even have time to really register what is happening a fist comes flying toward my face.

* * *

><p><em>Beep. Beep. Beep.<em>

Instinctively my arm attempted to reach out and swat whatever annoying alarm kept beeping.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

"The fuck?" I groaned into the crook of my other arm, still swatting away, desperately wanting to rid the noise from my ears. Instead of finding a cheap plastic annoying device my hand swatting collides with what feels like human flesh.

"Ow." A monotone voice barely reacts, shifting away from my incessant swatting. "You're awake. Good morning, Miss Lopez."

The voice was female and somewhat soothing, definitely better than that annoying...

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

"What the hell is that noise?" I mumbled against my arm without opening my eyes. I just wanted it to stop. I felt tired, irritated, and my head really, really hurt. I slowly moved my face away from my arm so I could be understood and blinked my eyes a few times until they could process the images before them.

Everything was bright and white and the female voice came from a middle-aged woman wearing scrubs. She was pushing buttons on a machine beside my bed and finally the beeping stopped. I let out a sigh of relief, which quickly turned into erratic breaths of panic as I tried to process where I was at. What happened?

"What happened?" I voiced my inner thoughts to the woman, squinting at her as if I had no idea who she was. Because I didn't.

"Oh, Miss Lopez, don't you remember?" She asked me softly with a hint of what appeared to be worry in her voice. Her lips moved into her mouth as I slowly shook my head at her, indicating that I had no idea what the fuck was going on.

"My head hurts..." I said quietly, reaching up to touch it, my fingertips grazing the white bandage I found wrapped around my head. "Wha..." I frowned as my fingertips continued to graze it, finding it extremely sensitive to my own touch but unable to stop.

"Miss Lopez, I'm going to go get Doctor Pierce and he will explain your injuries to you and ask you a few questions, okay? Do you need anything else before I go?" The woman asked gently, as if speaking her words any other way may break me.

At this point I thought they may.

My mind was a mess as I tried to figure out what was going on, where I was at, how I got here and...

"Injuries?" I whispered, narrowing my eyes at her as if that would better help me understand. "As in... multiple injuries? Huh?"

The nurse frowned at me and nodded her head once. "I will go get the doctor for you right away."

She was gone before I could say anything else. As hard as I forced myself to try, I just could not for the life of me remember how I ended up here... or where here even was. I glanced around the room, looking for any traces of my cell phone, thinking that could potentially help me out. All my eyes could find were two empty chairs and the door to the bathroom. Those weren't clues.

I shifted in the bed and immediately stilled my actions as I let out a whimper of pain. It felt like someone had set my right leg on fire or maybe someone just chopped it off and tried to sew it back on for the hell of it. Either way, something not so great happened to it and it hurt like hell. Guess I won't be trying to move ever again.

A frustrated sigh escaped my lips as I once again furrowed my brow in concentration, trying desperately to search my brain for anything that would answer any of the millions of questions I had about how I ended up here and what was happening to me.

Nothing.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

"Oh what the hell!" I groaned out as that annoying beeping sound began ringing in my ear again. Thankfully right at that moment the nurse returned with who I assumed was a doctor. The man was tall, little flecks of leftover blond sprinkled his now gray hair, white doctor coat and all.

A little smile graced his face as he walked over to my bedside and pressed a few buttons on the machine that was beeping. "Annoying piece of crap, isn't it?"

His eyes were now focused on mine and I had to nod a little at the question. That's exactly how I would describe it... only, you know, with a few more colorful words.

His hand extended toward mine, that small smile still gracing his face, which seemed somewhat comforting. "I'm Doctor Pierce; it's lovely to meet you though I wish it were under different circumstances, Miss Lopez."

I bit down on my bottom lip as my hand connected with his, giving it a weak shake before nodding again. I was beginning to get nervous again about my surroundings and having a doctor here, about to hopefully answer some questions, made my stomach do a flip.

"Can you tell me what happened last night?" His voice was calm and inviting. So much so that I really, really wanted to answer him... I just couldn't. I didn't know. I didn't have a clue. So I slowly shook my head to indicate that.

He nodded in understanding, taking the empty seat next to my bed to be more at eye level with me, though I still had to look up at him from my position in bed.

"Well, Miss Lopez, you were brought in by an ambulance from a bar down town where some fights took place. From what was told from the man who rode here with you, a Mr. Noah Puckerman, you were an innocent bystander that got knocked out during it. It appears you have a severe concussion as well as some rather severe cuts and bruises on your right leg. We'll be keeping you here to run some tests and make sure you get the proper treatment to get better as soon as possible, which I have high hopes you will be back to good soon." The doctor sounded calm and polite as he read over the papers in his hands that told him all of the information he rattled off.

My mind was whirling as all this new information was being thrown my way, trying to make sense of it all, trying to understand it. A bar fight? Where? It was last night? Who the fuck is Noah Puckerman? Wait, CUTS on my leg? More questions kept popping up as I tried to sort through them all after listening to the doctor silently, though one question had been stuck in my head since I woke up.

"Any questions?" Doctor Pierce looked at me with concern as I had yet to respond to his diagnosis.

"Uh, yeah... who's Miss Lopez?"


	3. Somebody That I Used To Know

Chapter THREE – _Somebody That I Used To Know_

I was in the hospital for about a week. I don't know how else to describe the experience other than completely terrifying. It wasn't the hospital that scared me. What scared me was myself. What is still scaring me. Not many people know the terrifying feeling of not knowing who you are. Not remembering anyone in your life or any memories at all. For someone who is in their early twenties, I have a good chunk of memories built up I'm sure, it just didn't feel like it. My body and mind were betraying me.

I had to be someone, right?

I know a few things. I know my name is Santana Lopez. I know my age and my date of birth and the city I'm in. I know that I live alone. I know the address of the apartment I'm standing outside of. I only know these things because the hospital provided them for me. And they only know these things because evidently I was brought in with my purse which contained identification. I also have a cell phone.

You would think that would answer many of my questions. For instance, who my parents are, my friends, anyone that could be worried about me. I expected some text messages and missed calls after a week in this hospital. However, when I opened my phone I found nothing. I don't know who I am and no one tried to contact me in the entire week I was in the hospital.

I'm not sure which was more upsetting.

I even went into the text messages inbox on the phone and outgoing calls and there wasn't anything. Maybe I recently got a new cell phone, right before the accident, and didn't have a chance to tell everyone my new number? Because somebody had to be out there that cared about me and could help me with all these questions, right? It's just a matter of time before someone comes knocking on this apartment door and helps me remember. It has to be.

The hospital provided me with a basic t-shirt and sweat pants. I couldn't wear the clothes I was wearing when they brought me in. They told me there was too much blood to save them.

So I left the hospital with a purse that was evidently mine, a cell phone that no one seemed to have the number to, foreign hospital clothes, a piece of paper with my apartment address written on it and a pretty noticeable limp due to the injuries on my right leg. There was also a pretty nasty scar on the back of my head. They had to shave a little bit of the hair back there but luckily I could cover it up pretty well due to my thick hair. I'm sure if the scar was noticeable then that paired with my limp would have everyone running away from me upon sight. I don't feel pretty at all.

Stepping into the apartment after attempting to guess which key was the correct one, I locked the door behind me and surveyed my surroundings. I immediately searched the walls of the living room, hoping I could find some pictures of me with other people, people I could potentially locate to help me with this mess. Unfortunately the walls were completely bare. In fact, there wasn't much to the living room. It barely looked lived in. Maybe I had recently moved in?

I felt like a stranger in what I'm told is my own home. The kitchen and living room brought back no memories. There were two bedrooms, which confused me because I know I don't have any roommates. I feel like that's something the hospital would have made me aware of, right? The apartment barely looked like even one person lived here, let alone two. Peeking my head into the first room, I realized it was a makeshift library, full of books and notebooks and desks. Wanting to make sure the next room contained a bed, I glanced into the door at the end of the hall and my suspicions were confirmed.

The room was dark and uninviting. It felt empty like my mind even though it was full of clothing and furniture. The bed looked extremely appealing in that moment and before I knew it I was succumbing to my exhaustion.

* * *

><p><p>

That night I found an open notebook on the desk in the library room. It was almost full and looked like it was full of things I had written. I spent the entire night reading through this notebook. Random dates, doodles, observations filled the pages. They appeared to be things I had seen or experienced or wanted to remember. I just didn't expect to find so many of these things in a notebook.

I tried to retain all this information in hopes it would trigger my memories to return. The doctor had mentioned that something should eventually trigger a memory and it all would come flooding back. It wasn't guaranteed but it was a possibility.

I found it interesting that when I finished this notebook I found more, dated older, and continued my readings throughout the hours only to still feel empty inside. Most of these observations did not seem significant, at least not significant enough to feel like I really learned anything about myself... other than I really liked to write these things down.

Frustrated, I finally glanced up to the wall clock in the room that read 2:30AM. I slept during the day and spent hours reading notebooks all night, it seemed. In attempt to fix my messed up sleep schedule I quickly make my way back to my bedroom and quickly succumbed to dreamland once again.

* * *

><p><p>

The soft guitar parts of a U2 song wakes me from my deep slumber. The guitar strumming continues and continues, forcing a groan out of my throat as my hands waved around trying to find the object causing all the noise.

Spotting the light from the end table by my bed I grabbed my cell phone and squinted at the display screen. _Work _ it read. What? Wait, of course I have a job, otherwise I guess I would be homeless. A sinking feeling invaded my stomach, one that was full of longing, just wishing that I could remember what the hell I do for work. Might as well not wait to find out, I suppose.

"Hello?" My voice was scratchy from sleep and hesitant due to me knowing how confusing this conversation was sure to be.

"Santana! How are you feeling?" The voice was clearly feminine, sounded older and though I didn't feel like I knew her at all due to my memory problems, she sounded extremely friendly and warm.

"Hi, I'm... I'm alright but... but you know about the accident right? And my, uh, diagnosis?..." My voice sounded extremely uncertain in my word choice, filled with nerves and shrinking with every syllable. Though I didn't know who this was on the line, my phone said 'work' which made me think this had to be my boss at wherever I happened to have a job at.

"Oh yes, yes dear, of course. I'm so happy you're alright... I just wanted to call and tell you I'm giving you some well deserved time off to rest. Your doctor called me and- oh goodness! You probably don't even remember me, do you? I'm so sorry dear, I wasn't thinking."

The woman paused, as if to consider her words, and they came out just as gentle as before, as if breathing the wrong way may break me. I couldn't feel annoyed by that though my instincts were kind of telling me to... but with this terrifying feeling that no one gave a shit about me, I actually appreciated her tone. It was soothing in a sea of confusion.

"My name is Martha, I own _The Book Nook_, a small book store in town... you have been working with me for a few months now. Santana, take some time off and when you feel up for it, please give me a call at this number. Is there anything I can do for you?" Her voice was so soft and concerned. It made me feel nice, like a family member.

"Oh, uhm... n-no, thank you Martha, I'll give you a call as soon as, uh, I feel less confused I guess. Or... or I could probably just come in if yo-" She cut me off immediately, her voice still full of concern.

"Honey no, no no, you get some rest and if you need anything, dear, just give me a call or come by the store, okay? I will text you the address and my cell number should still be in your phone. Please let me know if you need me, hon." I quietly gave her my sincerest thanks and as much as I just wanted to ask her if I had friends or family or anything, I knew she was just my boss and I shouldn't ask more of her, especially when she was being so nice to me.

I tossed my phone back on my night stand and proceeded to get myself clean in the bathroom. After I felt as comfortable as physically possible in my body, I threw on some skinny jeans and a shirt, determined to attempt to get myself out of this funk... if one could even call not having a memory a 'funk'. Perhaps getting out of this apartment may be step one.

According to my phone it had been exactly an hour and two minutes since I left my apartment. I was wandering rather aimlessly, walking from street to street, glancing at every person I passed in hopes to find some hint of recognition spark in their eyes when they see me. Unfortunately that had yet to happen.

I still had the annoying limp due to the injuries on my right leg and it hurt. It hurt really bad. Even moving around my apartment earlier had been painful and the shower was an absolute bitch. But I had to keep going. I had to stay out of that apartment and I had to find answers. So I suffered through the stabbing pain in my right leg. Hopefully I could find a place to sit down and rest soon. It was starting to become somewhat unbearable.

I shifted the strap of the small backpack on my shoulder that I filled with several notebooks I had found in my extra room. I wanted to find somewhere to sit and read through them all, hoping something, anything would trigger a memory. I just wanted to be me again, whoever I was.

Slowing to a complete stop, I gazed up at what appeared to be a small coffee shop on the corner of the street I had been shuffling down. I squinted a little at the sign in attempt to block out the sun rays long enough to read the name. _Perkin' Around_. I couldn't help but let out a snort. How witty.

Figuring it was better that I get on with this whole trying to figure out my life, quite literally, thing I headed inside, soon realizing it was just as tiny as it seemed from the outside. Glancing around the few tables, there was an old man in the corner of the room and a chipper looking blonde girl behind the counter.

Staring at the menu above the counter, I tried to focus on that, feeling the eyes of the counter girl on me intently. Hoping that it was just because I was a customer, I quickly memorized something on the menu to order since I really wasn't sure what I liked anymore, my eyes quickly lowering and locking with the counter girl's who immediately smiled at the contact.

"Welcome back, Santana! What'll you have today?" The girl sounded happy and cheery to see me. Was it because she knew me? Her knowing my name really threw me off. I stared at her for a good chunk of seconds, probably too many for either of us to be comfortable. I blinked several times and tried to shake off the weird feeling of someone actually knowing who I am when I have no idea. I thought it would excite me but I just felt really uncomfortable. Maybe this girl could give me some answers.

"Uhm, can I just get a small green tea please?" The girl narrowed her eyes a little, kind of like she wasn't expecting that to be my order, and hit a few buttons on the register. Oh no, was I going to hate green tea? Did I already hate green tea? What did I usually order? I was too afraid to ask so I kept my mouth shut. We exchanged money and change as she proceeded to turn around and make my order.

"How are you today, Santana?" The girl glanced over her shoulder at me with a smile, trying to make small talk. It was now or never, I couldn't keep acting like I had any idea who she was, because I really didn't know. Maybe I came in this place a lot? I think I would have gotten a different vibe if we were friends. Plus she was a teenager, I'm not sure why I would be socializing with teenagers. I guess she could be a friend's sibling though? Or something?

"Well, to be honest, I was recently in an accident and I'm really sorry but I have no idea who you are. You see, I kind of lost my memory and-" I was trying to sound apologetic because I really was sorry I didn't know her. Even if she was a teenager that maybe I only saw when I came to drink coffee, I still wished I knew her. I just wanted to remember something, anything, even if it was just the barista at the local coffee shop I guess I attended.

I was cut off by an audible gasp. The girl making my tea turned around in a rush upon hearing my words, with a frown on her face and concern in her eyes. "Oh my gosh, that's so sad, I'm so sorry. I'm Ashley... we don't actually know each other, we just met once about a week or so ago, but it's hard to forget our youngest customer we've had all year. Plus your name is cool. Plus you spent like a million hours here just writing in your notebook. And I thought that was weird but you were polite and everyone who came in that day was pretty old and rude."

This girl spoke fast. She said these things quickly and seemingly without filter. I found it amusing. My heart sunk a little when I realized she didn't know me but I obviously could believe the notebook thing after reading through tons of them the previous night. I just nodded my head slowly to her words.

"Oh and for you not even saying a word to my sister, you two sure had a moment." Her face was so cheeky with the biggest grin I had seen her have this entire exchange. She even gave me a little wink as she spun around on her heels, grabbed my drink and handed it to me. I'm sure I looked completely flabbergasted.

"Your sister?..." I'm sure I sounded so confused, because I really was. A moment? Didn't say a word to her? Who was her sister? Obviously I didn't know her if I never said a word to her but how did we have a moment if we never even spoke?

Before she could answer my obvious confusion, someone cleared their throat behind me, obviously wanting to put in their order. Ashley sent me an apologetic smile before I settled myself into a small two person table along the wall.

I wanted to know who her sister was. I wanted to know what us having a moment even meant. But until this place settled down I knew I couldn't just disturb Ashley while she was working. I didn't even know her well enough when I had a memory to do that.

I settle into my chair and dig right into the first notebook I pull out of my backpack. My eyes scanned the pages for a good twenty minutes or so before I got frustrated by all the useless things I had written and grab another notebook. Soon there were about five notebooks scattered along the small table, my green tea still completely untouched.

The bell rang again indicating someone's entrance into the coffee shop but I paid no mind. My eyes were too focused on the notebooks, frustrated and upset I couldn't read any words that really helped me understand who I was. So far I learned that I liked pizza with feta cheese more than any other food, I always purchased coconut shampoo and I seemed to really be obsessed with writing. But that much had quickly became apparent when I found the first notebook in my apartment.

A soft voice from the counter broke my concentration and when my eyes met the source of the soothing tone, I forgot how to blink. And breathe.

Long flowing blonde hair, fit figure, smile to die for. The woman was laughing whole-heartedly with the counter girl, Ashley. I only caught a few words of their conversation because evidently my mind was too focused on forcing my eyes to take everything about this woman in, which was apparently too much to make my ears work too. Something about their mom and a Lord Tubbington. What's a Lord Tubbington?... Wait, _their_ mom? Okay, so they're siblings. It made sense considering they had almost the same hair color and various facial features in common.

When the murmuring of their conversation came to a halt I blinked out of my quiet staring and realized both their eyes were on me. Ashley was practically beaming, looking from left to right, seemingly analyzing both of our faces as if she knew the secret to life.

My eyes widened just a little, realizing I had been caught in my leering and immediately looked down to the notebook I had been reading. I tried to stay calm but something was fluttering in my stomach and I felt an odd sense of deja vu flow throughout me. Too bad I had no way of knowing if this did indeed happen before.

Shifting in my seat, I tried to ignore how quiet the coffee shop seemed now. The audible grumbles of the old man in the far corner sounded so much louder now in the tiny room. I could hear myself breathe. At least I was breathing, I guess. That was kind of a problem earlier when I first laid eyes on this woman which made me feel extremely stupid because I didn't even know her. Apparently I actually didn't according to what Ashley said earlier...

Wait! What Ashley said earlier. She said I had a moment with her sister... even though I'd never said a word to her? This had to be the sister, right? What did having a moment even mean? She didn't even specify if it was a good moment. The word moment could mean many different things.

I heard some quiet whispers between the two and I tried my hardest not to glance up at them to see if they were still looking. But I knew they weren't. That feeling of someone's eyes on me was no longer there. I was thankful for that.

I couldn't understand what they were saying anymore and I wasn't sure if I wanted to. I tried to concentrate on reading one of the notebooks spread out on my little table again, squinting at the pages as if they were some kind of life line that kept me grounded. And in a way, they really were. I felt like they were my only hope at this point.

Another noise filled the small room and I became somewhat annoyed that I could hear every little thing that happened around here. It was so small and I thought it felt kind of cozy but perhaps my embarrassing situation was just getting the best of me.

An old lady walked in and my eyes found themselves watching her over the top of my notebook. I tried to look all consumed in my reading but I couldn't help but observe the woman. She had to be in her 70s but she looked really healthy, smiling wide when she approached the sisters who were still whispering quietly at the counter.

"Brittany! Ashley! How are my favorite Pierce girls today?" The old woman smiled wide and the blonde sisters matched the smile when they looked at her, halting their conversation immediately.

"Oh Mrs. Barrowman, it's so nice to see you!" Brittany, her name was Brittany. Didn't I see that name in one of my notebooks somewhere? Maybe it wasn't the same Brittany. That was a pretty common name. Brittany scooped the old woman up into a gentle hug to which she immediately reciprocated, her smile becoming even wider if that were possible.

"Brittany, you're such a sweetheart, Jack and I miss seeing you around honey. How is the dancing?"

"I miss you guys too. We should really have another movie night soon! I miss those." Brittany's big smile turned soft and gentle, and from where I was sitting I noticed a little twinkle in her eye. I didn't know her but I knew she meant every word. "I've been going on a lot of auditions lately so I'm just playing the wait and hope they call game now... it's kind of frustrating but I have hopes things will be looking up soon."

I swallowed and looked down at my notebook, in fear of being caught staring once again. It was rude and weird and I needed to stop. There was just something about this girl that seemed so genuine, so captivating, so pure. I didn't know her but I wanted to know her so bad.

I felt so silly.

The girls continued their conversation with the old lady and I lost myself in this notebook once again. The words felt so useless to me yet I couldn't stop reading. _Escape the night let's fight- _I read the words with confusion. _Tall dude with a rude attitude-_ I seemed to have no constant flow to my sentences though it was quite apparent that may have been the point. _Cutest puppy ever. Big ears, long face, non-stop panting. Need to get a dog. _Just observations, perhaps bouts of inspiration, descriptions of things around me.

"Dear, I hate to interrupt, but you are just so pretty. What makes up your flawless skin?" It was the old woman and she was talking to me. I looked up the moment I heard her voice, confused as to why she was talking to me, my face morphing into a shy smile at her words. She was so sweet and as much as I wanted to be annoyed with her for putting the attention back on me (I could feel the sisters' eyes on me), I couldn't help but admire someone who could just walk up to a stranger and call them pretty. And I felt the exact opposite of pretty today. Plus, she was just a sweet old lady, and the soft smile that took over her face as she looked down on me made me immediately feel at ease. Somehow, in this world that currently terrified me because of my lack of memory, she made me feel like she gave a crap. Somehow, within one little compliment, I felt a little better about things.

"Thank you..." I managed to reply softly, still kind of in awe that she just walked up to me and asked that. "I'm half Puerto Rican, quarter German, quarter black." Wait. Wait, wait, wait. I remembered that! It's something little and I guess something that I may have already known but it was an automatic reply, something I didn't have to think about or try to figure out. The shy smile stayed on my face and as little as this piece of information was, it made me feel like I at least knew something important about myself. This was important. Guess this woman really did help me out without even knowing it.

The old woman, Mrs. Barrowman I think it was, seemed pleased with my response. She smiled a little wider, seeming happy that I responded so nicely, and extended her hand to me to shake in a form of greeting. I figured she probably thought it was polite to introduce herself after such an unconventional event.

"My name is Eve Barrowman. Are you new around here? I haven't seen you in here before..." Again, her voice was laced with kindness and I couldn't bring myself to not respond to her. She had me convinced she was someone I wanted to talk to at 'dear'. My handed shook hers lightly but with purpose, still with a shy smile on my face, uncertain about all this new attention I suddenly had. I focused on the woman's face. I didn't want to look over at the sisters knowing that could cause the voice I suddenly found to fade away quickly.

"Santana Lopez-" Before I could even finish answering her question, she let go of my hand and gasped just a little, shaking her head with what appeared to be amusement all over her face.

"Santana? Pretty name matches the pretty face." I could only nervously let out a little chuckle, lowering my gaze to the table bashfully. I heard someone else chuckle as well and lifted my gaze to the sound of it. It was the face I was trying to avoid staring at, yet again, this entire time. She was smiling so big and glancing between me and Mrs. Barrowman.

"C'mon, Mrs. Barrowman, you're making her blush..." Brittany locked eyes with me and I hadn't even realized that I really was blushing until she said it out loud. Could my skin tone even show that? Guess so if she noticed it. The fact that she was even looking at my face made me blush even harder. I felt my cheeks get warm and wondered how noticeable it was. It couldn't be too noticeable, I at least knew what my face looked like even if I didn't know all it had been through. "...even if you are one hundred percent right."

Her eyes were scanning over my face, as if trying to take in every detail. I wasn't sure if she was just observing the blush that stayed on my face, especially after her basically agreeing with Mrs. Barrowman's compliments.

How did this even happen? How is it that I thought I was doing a decent job cowering into my notebooks, trying my hardest not to get caught staring, and now all three women in this little coffee shop were staring at me? And the girl I was admiring for being potentially the most beautiful thing I'd ever laid eyes on (how could I really know with this non-existent memory? I had a feeling it was true, though.) basically just called me pretty. What is happening?

I think everyone noticed my lack of response to Brittany but what could I say to that without sounding totally weird? Somehow both Mrs. Barrowman and Brittany had told me I was pretty and it sounded completely natural and totally sweet. But if I said 'you too' or 'nothing compares to your beauty' or 'please let me touch your soft hair' I'm fairly certain it would come across as being weird. Or awkward. Or at the very least super embarrassing.

Plus, I kind of got lost in her eyes. Blue eyes that I never wanted to lose contact with. Blue locked with brown and they didn't waver. The smile on her face was different than before. It kind of matched my shy one I was wearing but I didn't know why. I guess it could be because she just told a complete stranger she was pretty. But maybe not.

I don't really know how long we were lost in this stare but Mrs. Barrowman cleared her throat, making me think it had been a little longer than we both had thought. We broke eye contact at the same time to look at the old woman, who had that same look Ashley was wearing... the one that seemed like they both knew a secret that they didn't want to spill quite yet.

"So Santana... are you new here?" The woman was still extremely polite and wore the most amused look on her face, glancing between Brittany and I even though the question was obviously directed toward me.

"Oh, uhm, I... I honestly don't know." My face immediately fell and that confused look I felt like I had been wearing all day, every day since I woke up in the hospital, took over my features and I could see it reflected in everyone around me. Well, Mrs. Barrowman and Brittany, at least. Ashley looked somewhat understanding because of what I had told her earlier.

"I, uhm, I can't remember... I, well, I had an accident recently and can't really remember much...of anything." I frowned apologetically at the old woman, as if I really wanted to answer her question and sad that I couldn't. Because I did and I was.

"Oh my gosh, what happened?" Brittany was the first to speak up. I glanced over at her and our gazes locked again. I tried to make light of the moment.

"Well, I don't remember..." I smirked a little at her, wondering where this newfound confidence to play around with her came from. I guess I had to make light of such a bad situation, at least when it came to strangers and my business. Though the whole world was a stranger to me right now. Thankfully she smiled at me, ducking her head a little bashfully but not breaking eye contact. I cleared my throat quietly and continued, for some reason wanting to be honest with all three of these people I only really just met. "The doctor told me there was some bar fight and I was an innocent bystander."

I tried not to sound terrified. The smirk was no longer on my face and I had to trail my eyes back down to the notebooks on top of the table to keep from getting emotional. I couldn't do that in front of these nice people who thought I was pretty. Maybe I should get out of here, I felt like I was bringing the mood down.

"Oh dear, I'm so sorry, that must be scary..." The old woman was the first to say something. Before she could continue questioning, if she had even wanted to, she let out a small sigh. "Oh look at the time, I'm sorry ladies but I must get going. Jack will wonder where I've been all day. It was nice meeting you Santana, I hope to see you again, please take care. Pierce girls, come over for a movie night soon, will you?"

I politely told the woman goodbye and thank you, watching her leave and realizing I was all alone with these two girls now. Throughout the conversation everyone had lingered over in front of my table to better talk to me and I was now realizing how weird it all probably had been.

A few people walked into the place and went to stand by the counter. Ashley excused herself and hurried over to serve them. Great. That left me with the beautiful woman named Brittany who had never even actually told me her name.

"Santana?" That broke me from my thoughts. I just hummed a response, waiting for her to continue. I couldn't help loving her say my name. It wasn't even because it was her and I found her extremely attractive. It was because someone saying my name made me feel like I truly existed, that I was someone and all this searching for memories wasn't a total waste. It just made me feel real.

"May I sit down?" Brittany's eyes looked hopeful and so blue. She wore the smallest of smiles on her face but it was there, somewhat timid and concerned that she may not get the answer from me that she wanted to hear.

I nodded.

That was the moment my world changed.


	4. Someday We'll Know

Chapter FOUR – _Someday We'll Know_

I expected a ton of awkward silence, stuttering for bits of conversation, shifty eyes and uncomfortable breaths. I was shocked to find none of that existed in this moment. Brittany sat down in front of me and something inside me clicked.

My insides felt so warm.

My eyes trailed over her face and noticed she was wearing a hint of a frown. It made me mirror her expression with a confused glint in my eyes. She seemed to notice.

"I just can't imagine not being able to remember..." Her voice was hushed, her tone well aware of our surroundings and the little room that could amplify any conversation. She wanted these words to just be for me but she said them so softly it seemed it was more of an observation for herself.

I just nodded. I could say more about how terrified it made me or about how I didn't understand why I didn't have tons of missed calls from family and friends. I could even talk about the way her gentle gaze into my eyes made me want to continue not remembering my past if it meant I could remember those eyes forever.

But those things seemed like things I shouldn't say so I kept my mouth shut.

"What are these?" Her curious eyes wandered over the notebooks scattered all about my table. I had completely forgotten what I had even been doing before I got complimented by a nice old lady and then this girl dropped out of heaven to sit with me.

It really made me wonder what things I had done in my forgotten past that made me deserve this moment.

With a clear of my throat and a nervous shift in my seat, my eyes focused on the notebooks on the table as my brow furrowed in concentration. "Oh... I found these in my apartment, uhm... I guess I was obsessed with writing things down so I figured maybe reading through them would give me some answers about myself. Or even trigger a memory or two."

I knew I sounded completely defeated. I had spent hours already searching through these pages of hand written nothings and still felt entirely lost. I tried to keep that tone out of my voice but it didn't get past the blonde. We had only been speaking for several minutes and it seemed she already knew how lost I was. Am I that pathetic?

She sent me a gentle look before glancing down at the notebooks again, running a hand over a beat up red one. "Do you want some help?"

For some reason there seemed to be something heavier in that sentence than just searching through notebooks with a stranger. It felt like something way more than that. But how could it be? I only just learned her name.

After weighing the pros and cons of my answer to her question, it only took me a few seconds to realize contemplating it at all seemed ridiculous. Of course I wanted some help.

I just sent her a tentative smile and short nod.

It felt like an unspoken promise.

She mirrored my expression and her fingertips slowly worked to open to the first page. I could see she was already confused, probably not expecting there to be so much written on a single page. I wouldn't stop until the entire thing was covered, it seemed, with things written in the margins and above the first line.

"Don't expect anything brilliant from that... I've went through at least twenty full notebooks already and it was all pretty useless... Not sure why I would write a lot of these things. And unfortunately the biggest finding so far is my favorite pizza." I was able to smile a little at her when her lips curled at the sides and I gave a little eye roll for emphasis on how much that piece of information is utterly useless.

A half hour passed by as we sat mostly in silence flipping through page after page of the notebooks in our hands. The silence would be broken every few minutes by Brittany telling me something she discovered, ranging from a grocery list which helped me understand what I liked to eat for the most part and even my preference of dogs over cats.

That one made Brittany launch into a story about how she loves both animals and her family cat's name is Lord Tubbington.

She made me smile a lot. And I smiled even more when she smiled.

I couldn't stop glancing up over the pages in my hands every few seconds, finding it extremely difficult to even concentrate on the words that I should be memorizing in attempt to feel whole again. Not that it actually helped. Nothing was helping but somehow none of that mattered right now.

The next time I glanced up I noticed the expression on her face had changed. Her brow was furrowed yet she looked somewhat amused. She caught my gaze and I felt myself swallow without even realizing it, feeling awkward knowing she was reacting to something I had written and I hated not knowing what.

"Did you find something?" The question came out more quiet than intended but that didn't matter in this little room. She heard me loud and clear.

"I don't mean to assume but..." She placed the notebook on top of the one I had been reading so I could see it, pointing to the date scribbled at the top. "That was when you were first here." Her pointed finger ran down the page, finding something written bigger than everything else on the page. _Beautiful Brittany_ next to a perfect description of the girl sitting across from me.

My eyes widened beyond control as I stared at the words. "Shit."

I'm sure my embarrassment was written all over my face because she just giggled and bit her lip, eyeing me as if I held all the answers to the secrets she always wondered about. But I didn't have any answers for her or me. I would happily give her all the answers if I had them.

I didn't remember anything and I didn't feel like I knew much. But I knew one thing for certain. That description was extremely accurate of Brittany Pierce and I secretly hoped she didn't think worse of me because of it. I didn't know how to be anything but honest anymore and somehow a bold streak shot through me as I glanced from the table back to her face.

She was still looking at me.

I gave a little shrug and looked her in the eye. I tried to fight the silly grin that desperately tried to take over my face with no luck. "It's true."

It was simple but I was so happy to hear confidence in my own voice that I let the grin take over, it spreading even wider when I noticed a pink tint take over her cheeks in the most adorable way.

She smiled a little and continued to bite her lip, shaking her head lightly. "You're one to talk."

And we left it at that, goofy smiles and all, going back to the notebooks under our fingertips for another hour.

"The hell are you guys doing?" Ashley's squeaky voice broke me out of my concentration with a jolt, staring up at her, blinking several times in attempt to focus on her face and remember I was still in this damn coffee shop. Somehow Brittany and I had gotten lost in these words for who knows how long, not even breaking the silence to share little tidbits of information anymore. In fact, we hadn't spoken since that exchange earlier that left me once again blushing at the thought of it.

I glanced over across from me to find Brittany seeming to have the same slightly confused expression on her face as the interruption. I suppose we just experienced an extremely comfortable silence which is weird when I literally just met the girl today. I haven't been comfortable with anything since I woke up in that hospital bed, until now.

I was already addicted to the feeling.

"Oh, uhm... well, Santana found all these notebooks in her apartment and we are trying to piece together information about her. So far I learned that she loves to write, if that wasn't obvious, her favorite color is definitely red, annnnnnnnnnnd" Brittany sounded so excited by this information as if it were actually worth knowing, shooting a quick glance paired with a cheeky grin over to me as she finished after a dramatic pause, "she thinks I'm pretty."

"Beautiful." I corrected her so quickly that I didn't even realize I had said that thought out loud until I saw Ashley's face contort into the biggest smile and Brittany's cheeky grin quickly fade into a genuine look of awe.

I don't know how long we were stuck in another staring contest but I knew I never wanted it to end.

"Oooooookaaaaayyyyy, well, as thrilling as it is watching you guys look like lovesick puppies, you're gonna be late picking Adie up, sis." Ashley's focus was again directed on Brittany and her words immediately broke our gaze. Brittany looked to be panicking a little as she looked over at the clock and muttered some sort of expletive under her breath.

She was so focused on the end of that sentence that neither of us got to react to Ashley's other comment.

"Thanks Ash, totally lost track of time." I watched Brittany jump up from her seat and then look down at me as if she really didn't want to go.

I gave her a little smile. "Thanks for helping me, Brittany." I stood up as well because, well, I should probably leave at some point too. I started to gather my notebooks when I felt a hand cover mine.

Before I could register the movement, Brittany was around the table wrapping her arms around my body gently and I couldn't help but immediately melt into the embrace and hug back.

Eventually I hear someone clearing their throat and blink, realizing we were still practically wrapped up into one another. My grip loosened immediately and Brittany jerked back a little, as if startled by the sudden interruption, and I see her cheeks immediately pink as she looks at me.

"Bye, Santana." Her voice was soft and thick, as if she wanted to say so much more than bye. But maybe that was just my wishful thinking. I repeated the goodbye and watched her hurry out the door, evidently having to get to her destination quickly. I hoped I didn't make her late.

I hadn't realized I was staring at the door she left through until I heard Ashley speak again.

"She didn't even say goodbye to me!" She grumbled, mumbling stuff about how she was her freaking sister and she didn't even get an acknowledgement. Then, as if something about that actually made it not so bad, she got the most evil, all-knowing smirk on her face as she stared at me.

I blinked a few times and just stared at the young girl, confused. "What?"

She shuffled away quickly at my question and came back only a few seconds later with a piece of paper. It had Brittany's name on it and seven numbers scribbled underneath.

I didn't even have to ask. I already knew.

It was the only thing that I knew.

I spent the rest of my day wandering the streets again, walking into shops that looked interesting and trying to figure out what I would do if my memory never came back. I liked the memories I've already created, though. Well, the one that really mattered. The hours earlier today that were spent with Brittany.

It made me feel weird that someone I'd just met already had such an effect on me. I wondered if she sat with me out of pity or was just curious about my wide array of notebook scribbles. They really weren't _that_ interesting though, so it made me think perhaps she really just wanted to try to get to know me just as much as I wanted to get to know me.

I eventually found myself back at my apartment, my left hand desperately clutching to the little post it note that had that number scribbled on it. That number that I immediately realized I should put in my phone. That put my grand total of contact numbers to two whole numbers. Work and Brittany Pierce.

For now, I could live with that.

With a forceful swallow, I stared at her name in my phone until I hit new message. My lungs felt like they may give out at any moment, but I knew now wasn't the time to chicken out. I mean, this stranger is the one that asked me if she could sit with me and try to help me figure out my life. Though not in so many words.

Still. That's what it felt like and I was already grateful.

_Hey Brittany. It's Santana... your sister gave me this number, I hope that's okay. Just wanted to say thanks again for earlier today. You're nice._

My finger slipped and hit send before I could erase any of it. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. You're nice. You're _nice_? What the fuck?

Okay. I could have said something worse... like call her beautiful again. I mean, she was nice. And beautiful. But like, super nice. She was basically a stranger and sat with me for much longer than any other stranger probably would have, reading through notebook after notebook of my scratchy handwriting.

It was really nice.

But that text still sounded stupid.

My phone buzzed in my hand and I looked down, not even trying to hide the upturn of the corners of my mouth.

_Hi Santana! Of course it's okay you have this number, we're friends now, right? :) You're nice too. And really, it was totally my pleasure to spend some time with you. We should do it again sometime._

We should do it again sometime.

She said we should do it again sometime. No jab at my awkward text message, just polite, cute statement of friendship and a willingness to continue said friendship.

I couldn't remember how my life used to be but I hoped it continued to be as good as it felt in this moment.


	5. You Hang Up

Chapter FIVE – _You Hang Up_

_I haven't spoken to my mother in many years... she called me over an hour ago. Usually I ignore unknown numbers because really? Who gives a fuck? But something made me pick this one up. Of course the first thing she asks is if I've done anything with my life. And it makes me feel like shit that I couldn't really tell her I had. I'm still working a dead end job with crap pay. I don't even have a pretty girl to throw in her face – not that she would have been happy for me if I did or anything. It actually fueled her 'you're not really gay' fire that I wasn't in a stable relationship. 'See, Santana, you can't even get a girl.'_

_She said so much more but I don't even know if I want to remember those things... I feel so weak that I couldn't just hang up on her. I just sat there and took all her shit she threw my way. But I can't even blame her... I know she's not the reason I'm a failure. I am._

At some point during the last few minutes I had been reading this notebook filled with musings from my past, my eyes teared up. There were pages and pages full of stuff like this, stuff about my mother. I had written that I didn't want to remember the conversation but it was like I couldn't stop myself from writing it all down anyway. It was all there. Like a transcript under those few paragraphs I had just read.

My face flushed and my breathing became ragged. I swallowed once. Twice. Three times.

Is this what my life had been like? These pages were dated only a month ago. Was I that sad of a person? Was my own mother really that much of a... bitch? Was _I_ that much of a bitch? Some of the other things I'd been reading in this particular notebook over the past half hour had me questioning if I even wanted to find out who I had been. I didn't seem very happy or pleasant to be around, at least if these words have anything to really say about who I was.

Whatever the case may be, my mood had seriously been brought down. It had been a few days since that great time at the little coffee shop with Brittany Pierce. We hadn't even texted since she told me we should do whatever it is we did again. Hang out I guess? Search dozens of notebooks only to find out next to nothing about the former me? Have awkward moments where she finds things I have written about her?

At least there didn't seem to be more pages dedicated to calling her beautiful.

Though honestly at this moment I wanted to write some.

Or, you know, scream it from the top of a building.

Something.

I blinked a few times and was able to hold back the tears that threatened to escape my eyes. I tried to push what I had read about this phone conversation with my mother aside. This was all the information I had about any sort of family. None of the other pages in any of the many notebooks I have read had alluded to me even having a family so to find out the one blood connection I now knew about had said things like that to me... well, it was quite the bummer, to put it lightly.

I grabbed my phone and my thumb hovered over the message button. I wanted to hit it so badly but I had no idea if it would be appropriate.

I glanced at the time in the corner of my phone. 10:05pm. It was late but not midnight late... if I just sent her a text message she could ignore it if she wanted to sleep. Or perhaps she already was asleep. I didn't want to wake her by sending her a text but then again maybe her phone was on silent? Maybe she was out with friends? She was probably busy. Or asleep.

I knew I was repeating reasons to make it seem like more reasons to not text her in my head. I just wanted to make the right choice because as much as it was just a simple text message, it felt like so much more.

After much debate with myself I finally typed out a message. As much as I didn't want to interrupt anything she could possibly be doing, she obviously didn't care that I had her number so it couldn't hurt to just send her a text, right?

I felt exhausted from the information about my mother I had found out. I felt the most sad and lost I had ever felt, even more so than when I woke up in that hospital bed. I just needed to feel like someone gave a shit.

Even if that someone was a beautiful blonde who was practically a stranger.

_Hey Brittany, I'm really sorry to text you so late, I hope I don't wake you or anything... just wanted to talk if you're up for it._

I hit send quickly before I could over-analyze what I had said and not send it. I forced myself to take deep breaths. I stared at my phone for five minutes straight.

It never lit up.

With a slight frown, I put the phone on my night stand and decided to get ready for bed. She was probably asleep or something.

Or maybe she really didn't care.

But for some reason I knew better than to truly believe that. Though I felt like I didn't know much at all lately, I knew Brittany was genuine. It's hard to explain but there was a kind of warmth that surrounded her and by association me when we had spent that little time together. She genuinely seemed interested in the words written in my notebooks and that hug goodbye felt so real.

Hugs don't lie.

After brushing my teeth, changing into some pajamas and turning off all the lights, I settled beneath my covers and stared up at the ceiling in the dark. I checked my phone to make sure I hadn't missed a text back from her while I was away and found nothing.

With a somewhat dramatic sigh I set my phone back on the side table beside my bed and stretched my arms over my head. Maybe sending that text wasn't such a good idea.

As I laid there and mulled over whether or not I should have sent that text, I heard the same guitar chords of the same U2 song that emitted from my phone when my boss called before. I hadn't gotten a phone call since.

I grabbed my phone and squinted at the bright screen. _Brittany Pierce Calling_. My eyes got ridiculously wide. I expected to see my work was calling again. It was almost as if I forgot that Brittany having my number meant she could call me because...why would she ever want to call me?

Realizing I should really hit the answer button, I brought the phone to my ear after hitting it and swallowed, staring up at the pitch dark ceiling again.

"Hello?" I'm sure I sounded confused because I really was. I was just not expecting her to even reply to that text message, let alone call me. People can hide behind text messages and plan out what they're going to say and attempt to not sound completely ridiculous. There's no hiding behind a phone call.

"Santana, hi! I didn't know if you meant talk as in text talk or talk as in right now on the phone talk... so I called you because I felt like voice talking after using my hands all day." Brittany sounded bubbly like she did when she talked to her sister at the coffee house. I found that interesting because of the time of day, or night rather, but I guess not everyone was as exhausted as I had been today.

I tried not to let my mind question what she had been using her hands for.

Or what she could be using her hands for.

Clearing my throat lightly, I took a little breath as a small smile crept over my features. "Thanks for calling, Brittany. I didn't realize how much I wanted to hear your voice until you called..." What? Did I... What? Did I really just say that to her?

"I- I mean, it's just nice to hear from you." I tried to quickly cover up the awkward slip I made. First she found that page in my notebook and now this? I wasn't being too smooth with this girl. If I wanted to keep her a friend that I knew I desperately needed, I had to start filtering myself.

"Uh... how was your day?" I knew I sounded nervous. I wouldn't deny that I was. I had never spoken on the phone with her and I barely spoke to her at all the one time we had a conversation. I hoped however long this conversation lasted I would stop saying embarrassing things. I hoped I wasn't making her uncomfortable.

I could hear her chuckle quietly into the phone. It wasn't a nervous chuckle and it wasn't one that felt like she was making fun of me. It just sounded amused. "Santana, I missed your voice..." She spoke softly and genuinely. It made me feel like she just breathed one of those amazing hugs through the phone. It wasn't said in a flirty tone at all. She just said it like she meant it.

"I had an awesome day, my kids were so fun, we played a lot of learning games, it was a blast!"

"Your...your kids?" Brittany had kids? Like, multiple kids?

"Oh! I teach second grade at the local elementary school."

That made me smile even more. That job just seemed to fit her personality perfectly. I could already tell that was true.

"That sounds really rewarding."

"Absolutely, I love kids and teaching them makes me so happy. What do you do?" She sounded genuinely curious when she asked me and I had to pause for a minute to even remember what I did. I had yet to call my boss since the only time she had called me since the accident. I honestly forgot. I had some money in my savings so that hadn't been a problem yet but I knew I should call her again sometime soon.

I remember reading some entries in my notebooks about my job. About my true passions and how I felt working where I worked. I knew what I apparently thought of the place but had yet to really experience any true feelings one way or another toward it.

But hearing what Brittany does compared to what I do sure made me feel like my job really did lack some quality. Especially because I hadn't even been doing it.

I cleared my throat quietly and took a nervous little breath.

"I guess I work at some book store... uhm, everything I have read in those notebooks gives me the impression that I hate working there because it's not, you know, a dream of mine or anything but I honestly haven't been there since the accident. I should probably start working again..." I trailed off, not sure what else to say. I wasn't going to lie and try to make it seem like I had some glamorous job or anything.

I really felt like I didn't have a lying bone in my body. Whether that had to do with the accident or not I really wasn't sure. I think it had more to do with Brittany than anything.

"That sounds fun though! I have to read children's books all the time for my class, maybe I've been there? What's it called?" She didn't sound patronizing and didn't act like it was a dead end job or something really lame. She, again, sounded genuinely interested.

"Uhm, _The Book Nook_."

What I didn't expect to hear next was a little squeal on the other end of the phone.

"Oh my gosh! I LOVE that place!"

I just laid there blinking into the darkness of my room. I still couldn't get rid of that damn smile that was stuck on my face ever since I answered her phone call.

"Really?"

"Totally! They have the best deal on used books. I buy stuff for my class there all the time... couldn't afford to buy them near as much if that place didn't exist. That's so cool that you work there." Though I couldn't see it, I knew she was smiling.

That made me smile even wider.

"My boss seems nice but... I've only spoken to her for a second. I haven't even been there yet."

"We should go!" Her response was immediate and excited. She seemed to sober up fairly quickly when she realized it was pretty late. "Oh, well... not right now of course." She seemed a little embarrassed because it really did sound as if she wanted to immediately go right then to the bookstore with me.

It made me giggle.

"Definitely, Brittany. We should go. I probably need to talk to my boss anyway... she may be able to help me figure some stuff out."

There was a small lull in the conversation. I just laid there listening to her breathe on the other end of the line and I could just picture her lying in her bed doing the same. I wondered if she realized how comfortable this silence really was. It felt like a cuddle.

"Santana?" Her voice sounded quiet and even softer than before. I could tell she wanted to ask me something.

I just hummed a response just as quiet so she knew I was listening. And willing.

"Did you... did you need to talk about something in specific?"

My throat felt really dry as the memory of me finding all of that stuff about my mother came rushing back. I felt so at peace during this phone call I had forgotten why I even texted her to begin with. Maybe that is really the reason I texted her after all. Turns out hearing a friendly voice really did give me that temporary relief I was looking for.

I swallowed a few times until I felt like I could talk without choking on my own breath. I tried to focus on that question and not the memory that came with it. It's funny how all I've been searching for are memories yet this one I tried to force away as soon as it came into my head.

"Uhm... I just- I just found some stuff earlier that...that got me down and I- I-" I cut myself off and forced my eyes closed. I had been staring out into the dark nothing of my room this entire time feeling a certain peace with the world. Now the darkness was scaring me. I just kept seeing images of those notebook pages. Closing my eyes didn't really help.

The peace was gone.

"I'm sorry." I forced out those two words and tried to keep my throat from clenching even tighter.

I refused to cry on the phone to the only person who was nice enough to talk to me.

Her gentle voice came rushing back into my ear before I could continue. Not that I really had much else to say.

"Santana. What are you apologizing for?" I heard her phone shift and feelings of guilt began to build inside me.

"I- I'm sorry I'm talking to you on the phone, late at night, when you are probably tired and busy and you need your rest and I shouldn't have texted you and you've been so nice to me it's just I didn't have anyone el-" I knew I was rambling but I couldn't stop. It was like word vomit.

My left hand reached up to run over my face in attempt to calm myself down and I felt damp skin under my palm. Very damp skin.

I hadn't even realized I had been crying.

"Santana!" Brittany's voice fluttered back to my ear. She didn't sound angry or upset but she did sound like that wasn't the first time she had called my name. Her voice was still completely gentle, oddly comforting and full of concern.

I inhaled a shuddering breath and let it out gradually, hoping to calm down the sobs that were threatening to force through my body again.

This made me realize she knew I had been crying.

"I'm sorry..." I let those two words escape my lips again. My voice was low and defeated. Quiet and scared. Guilty and heartbroken. I couldn't help it. I really was sorry. I shouldn't have called a near stranger in hopes she would relieve me of all my problems. I was so silly to even think this was a good idea.

And now I couldn't get the image I had built of my mother, from those words on the pages, out of my head.

She probably wouldn't like the new me either.

I heard some shuffling around and what sounded like keys come from her end of the call. I was still trying to get my breathing under control as I listened to the strange sounds, wondering what Brittany was doing on the other line.

Wondering if I should just hang up.

Wondering if she was going to hang up first.

"Santana... where do you live?"

She stayed on the phone with me the entire drive over and just let me breathe.

That night she was my lifeline.


	6. What Makes A Hero

**A/N: **Just wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone who has read this story so far! And an extra special thank you for those who have taken the time to leave a review, I love knowing what you guys are feeling about each chapter! So again, thank you so much! Hope you guys continue to read and let me know what you think! :)

Chapter SIX – _What Makes A Hero_

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

It took several moments, that turned into minutes, for my mind to focus on the sound. It was constant, somewhat calming yet somewhat annoying. Whenever I could register what it was, the clock on my wall ticking the time away, I realized I had never heard it in my apartment before.

Since I had come back to this place after being in the hospital I had to constantly have some form of audio stimulation to keep me from thinking too much. Sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn't, but I always made sure to have something playing. The record player, the television, the radio. It didn't quite matter what as long as something was in the background.

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

How did it become so quiet? How did it become so quiet and... warm? My sleepy brain suddenly registered the feeling of warmth wrapped around me. The way that my body was barely rising up and down started to concern me as well. Fluttering my eyes open to attempt to understand what was going on, my gaze landed on gentle arms encircled around me, leaving me feeling warm, safe, and somewhat confused.

Slowly but surely the memories of last night came floating back...

_I kept my breathing as even as I could. There wasn't enough fight left in me to protest her coming all the way over to my place. I just mumbled my address to her and she needed no further instruction. Guess that was one of the perks of a small town, everyone knows where everything is located._

_I didn't need to say more. She told me she would stay on the phone and would occasionally mutter quiet but honest, soothing words. My head felt like it was spinning so I stayed in my bed until I heard her tell me she was parking her car and that she needed the apartment number._

_I told her and forced my limbs to work their way toward my door. My eyes were wide as my shaky hand opened the door to the woman who shouldn't already have such an important role in my life. She shouldn't, this wasn't normal and I knew that._

_Nothing about this situation, nothing about me was normal._

_Brittany's face was full of concern, she had a slight case of bed head and I only had a second to register that guilt that lingered in my chest from her coming all the way over here. I only had a second to take in her appearance because she lowered her phone from her ear right as she got to my door and walked straight forward, capturing me in a soft embrace in one quick motion._

_My face immediately buried in her shoulder in attempt to muffle the strangled sob that escaped my throat at her sweet gesture. My arms made no destination as they wrapped back around her, closing my eyes as I felt the onslaught of tears coming out once again._

_After a few silent moments, my phone dropped out of my hand that was wrapped around her and sounded like a pile of bricks falling to the floor in the otherwise silent room. I felt her hand rub a few soothing circles on my back before she pulled away just a little bit, letting one of her arms leave my body long enough to shut and lock my apartment door behind her._

_One of her hands rested on my forearm as she pulled away more to pick up my phone and usher me silently over to my couch. She sat my phone, her phone and her purse on the coffee table in front of the couch. I just stood there, feeling as though I was unable to move without help, feeling pathetic._

_I just watched her movements in silent awe. I couldn't believe she was here and I couldn't believe I still felt so awful._

_Brittany moved to sit on the couch, never once having moved her hand from my arm, gently tugging on it to let me know I should sit beside her. I couldn't refuse anything she did at this point so I sat._

_Her arm slipped around my shoulders and my head immediately dropped to her chest. She let me cry against her for as long as I needed to. My sobs settled down to light hiccups eventually. I had no concept of time so I had no idea how long I had cried against her, but I knew I had made her shirt damp. I could feel it against my face._

"_I made your shirt wet." My voice was so scratchy and deep from crying. It was the first thing I had said to her since she arrived. My face was still pressed against where I had been crying. I took a shaky breath as I finally lifted my head and shifted in her arms so I could see her face._

_She caught my eyes as her lips spread into a small smile. She still looked really concerned but who could blame her? I really hadn't told her anything yet._

_I think she noticed my inner struggle because just as my mouth opened she said my name quietly, making me shut it._

"_Santana... Are you tired?"_

_That's probably the last question I expected her to ask. All I could do was give her a slight nod. I hadn't felt it before but all this crying must have really exhausted me. I watched her glance around my room for a moment until she spotted the light switch by the door. I didn't even remember turning it on but I guess I must have when I went to open the door._

_My eyes followed where she was looking and I glanced back at her. She stood up and light grabbed my hand, willing me to come with her. So I did._

_She wandered over to the switch, turned the lights off and made her way by the little moonlight shining through my window illuminating our path just barely. Instead of sitting back on the couch, she laid down all the way across it with her head flat on the cushion, scooting back all the way against the back cushion. I realized she was giving me room when she gave a gentle squeeze to the hand of mine she was still holding._

_I swallowed. All of these things hit me at once. Brittany was in my apartment. Brittany was holding my hand. Brittany was laying on my couch silently asking me to lay with her._

_Brittany was being a much bigger help than I think she realized._

_I didn't give it a second thought as I laid down on the couch, pressing my back into her front as her arms immediately found their way around me from behind. My arms covered hers. The last thing I remembered before drifting off to sleep was her gentle squeeze around my waist._

That's how I woke up, with her arms around me, feeling like I never wanted to leave this couch. She had never even asked me a single question. I broke down on the phone with her and she didn't even know why. She just jumped in her car and came right over.

I may not remember who I knew in my life before the accident but I know how people can be in this world. I felt completely grateful that a truly uniquely wonderful person somehow stumbled into my life the moment I felt like I didn't have one.

I shifted just a little bit in her arms, the annoying sound of the clock ticking completely forgotten as my mind focused on the feeling of just laying here. Brittany must have felt my fidget because I heard her mumble something incoherently right after I got comfortable again.

"What?" I smiled just a little. I had no idea what she said but it sounded like 'unicorn' was definitely some part of her sentence. She must have been having an interesting dream.

"Go saddle up the unicorn, we gotta princess to save." She mumbled, obviously still asleep as her grip around my waist tightened. I covered my mouth as I tried to keep my laughter in, letting out short little giggles.

It felt like it had been forever since I laughed and here Brittany was making me laugh without even trying. In fact, she wasn't even aware she was talking.

She mumbled a few other things but that one sentence kept ringing in my mind until I lost it. My hand flew from my mouth and I let out a loud laugh followed by a constant string of giggles. I felt her grip around my waist shift and loosen.

"...Santana?" She was speaking quietly and her voice sounded sleepy. The kind of sleepy where you got enough sleep but didn't feel like waking up.

I just kept laughing. Now that she was awake it made the whole situation that much funnier.

"Wha... what are you laughing at?" She sounded curious and somewhat amused, probably wondering what the hell I was on.

I just kept laughing. I really couldn't stop. It's like a flood gate was opened and all the awful emotions I experienced yesterday were being set free with a ridiculous laugh marathon coming out of my mouth all because this girl mumbled ridiculous things in her sleep.

I tried to calm myself down but even as the laughter faded, it stayed. I continued to giggle as I watched her poke her head over my shoulder to observe my face, matching my huge smile with a curiously huge smile of her own.

"What?" She whispered it, as if she didn't want to break the joy in the air. Typically, at least for me over the days I've spent lonely in this apartment, mornings had no amount of joy in them at all. I would wake up feeling just as lost as the day before and even more confused when I still had no recollection of my past.

The joy was gone but in this moment it's all I could feel as Brittany gazed down at me, studying my face as if she could find all the answers to my hysterical laughter there.

As I finally caught my breath, I took a few deep breaths to help calm myself while shifting onto my back so I could look up at her more comfortably.

"What the hell were you dreaming about?" My voice was laced with curiosity and amusement, knowing whatever the answer is would probably be just as amusing as what she was mumbling before. I was staring up at her as she continued to lean over me curiously, head propped up by an elbow.

Her nose scrunched up at my question as her eyes blinked a few times, glancing around the room in attempt to remember. "OH!" She let out as she looked back at me, opening her mouth then closing it quickly with a sheepish smile. "...you'll make fun of me." She whispered, glancing away as if she were already embarassed by whatever it is she had been dreaming about.

I couldn't help but continue to smile up at her, shaking my head a little. "You said something about 'saddling up a unicorn because we gotta princess to save' or something. Though that is admittedly hilarious, I would definitely not make fun of you, Brittany... I just REALLY want to know all about this unicorn and princess situation because right not it's the cliffhanger that never ends." I continued to smile at her, so she knew I really wasn't making fun of her. I really did want to know about this colorful dream she apparently had.

I watched as her cheeks tinted pink and her eyes dropped from mine once again. "...I said that? In my sleep? Ugh..." She shook her head as if she couldn't quite believe herself. Once her eyes connected with mine again, I gave her an encouraging look that said I really wanted to know and she let out a little sigh.

"Okay, well... I was in some magical land with giant gummy bears who walked around with pet licorice dogs and cotton candy cats and-"

I couldn't help but interrupt as I let out another giggle. "Cotton candy cats?"

She nodded and continued. "And it was so bright and everything was like, super fluffy-"

"Fluffy how? Like fluffy bed fluffy, like was the ground fluffy? How did people walk on the ground if it was fluffy?" The questions spilled out of my mouth. Evidently I was more interested than we both thought because Brittany gave me a curious look before answering, as if she didn't expect such an elaborate question for such a fictional land.

"Yeah, I think we all had special shoes or something to keep us from falling through it, it was really bounceable though."

"Is bounceable a word?" My nose scrunched up because for some reason I really didn't know the answer.

Brittany just shrugged. "Probably not. I just like to make words up sometimes because aren't all words made up anyway? Like, there weren't even words back in caveman days, there were just pictures so someone had to make up all these words right? So I do that all the time, it makes me feel like an inventor or something."

I smiled up at her once again. That's the only response I could muster for that because she had a point and she was so damn adorably serious about it that I couldn't argue with her even if I wanted to. So I just gave her a smile nod and waited for her to continue her dream.

"Will you stop interrupting me now?" She grinned down at me and brought a finger to my nose to tap it once before she got another nod out of me as my nose scrunched once again and she continued. "So everything was bright and fluffy and magical. I was walking around and I spotted a unicorn so I went to pet it because like, how often do you just pet a unicorn, you know? So I was petting it and decided to name it Alfonzo-"

"Alfonzo? Really?"

Brittany tried her best to glare down at me but she was still smiling so it didn't work that well. I knew I needed to stop interrupting for real this time so I shut up.

"So Alfonzo and I were chatting-" I gave her a look when she said this, one of those 'why the fuck would a unicorn be chatting' kind of looks and she just rolled her eyes back at me as she continued. It was a dream after all, I should have known animals would be talking. "-and he told me about this princess. She had long dark hair and really pretty brown eyes... he told me she was the prettiest princess he had ever seen, and let me tell you, Alfonzo had seen a million princesses in his day."

I swallowed and kept my expression neutral as I listened, even though my heart rate sped up at the description of the princess. I kept telling myself she wasn't describing me though, she couldn't be. I wasn't worthy of being a lead character in her dream, let alone one that is a princess.

I'm no princess.

Her voice suddenly got quiet as she continued telling me about her dream. "Alfonzo said that the princess had been locked away in some castle across the land and needed help. He said he would take me to her if I wanted so even though I knew nothing about this princess, I knew I wanted to help her." Brittany took a breath, still looking down into my eyes, swallowing just like I had before.

We both knew she was talking about me. We both knew this wasn't just one of those random dreams people have that make it seem like they had taken mushrooms or something before bed. We both knew this felt so much bigger than her telling me about a silly dream.

"So I saddled up Alfonozo and he took off into the night. It didn't take long before he found the castle. I ran inside and opened every door until I found yo-" She quickly cleared her throat, catching her mistake a little too late for me not to notice, but pretended like she hadn't. "Uh, the princess and then I heard laughing and woke up."

She ended the dream telling abruptly, seeming to be slightly flustered by almost telling me directly that it was me she had been talking about all along. We both knew that I knew but she still seemed to not want to directly say it. Maybe she was embarrassed.

I just laid there in awe, staring up at her still, swallowing once again to try to find my voice.

"That- that... you're a hero, Britt." I managed to whisper out, my hand finding a grip on the arm she was still perched upon to tug at it, causing her to fall gently on top of me and into my welcoming embrace.

She shook her head against my neck as her arms hugged me back as best as they could in this position. "No, Santana..." She spoke quietly against my neck, only slightly muffled but clear enough that I could understand. "...you are."


	7. From The Light

Chapter SEVEN – _From The Light_

The streets were completely empty. Everything was dark and it felt hard to breathe. Like something was pushing on my chest, trying with all its might to get me to crack, to break, to come to a stop and completely give up. But I kept walking.

I kept walking until I saw a small, barely noticeable light at the end of the road I was walking on. Suddenly everything felt eery and cliché. I paused.

My eyes darted around the scenery I was walking among, trying to figure out exactly where I was going and what I was walking toward. At this point I couldn't see anything but that small light. The closer I got to it, the further away it seemed.

I thought I would never reach it. I continued walking.

I walked until I could feel my heartbeat in my legs and everything hurt. Tears pricked my eyes and threatened to blur my vision and prevent me from following the light. I took a deep breath as I kept putting one foot in front of the other.

The heaviness in my chest kept getting worse the closer I seemed to get to the light. The fight to breathe was becoming too much. The light was getting brighter and I finally stopped walking. The pain in my legs was becoming too much, matching the pain in my chest.

I just wanted to breathe easy again.

I reached a hand up toward the light and held it there, hoping something would save me from what felt like my impending death.

Something covered my body and I felt a sudden warmth surround me, momentarily blocking the awful things that had been consuming my being.

Coughing, sputtering, deep breaths and tears. These are the things I woke up with, gasping for breath and blinking my eyes rapidly to clear the moisture from my eyes, trying to figure out what was happening around me.

My brain thankfully was quick to recover and caught on to everything I had just experienced being a dream. I could barely make out anything in front of me though I knew someone was there.

"Santana, here." I felt a cup being forced into my hand and I tipped it back, chugging down the contents without even knowing what they were. Quickly realizing it was water, I drank the whole thing in a few gulps, it calming my coughs and the uncomfortable feeling in my throat.

The cup was quickly taken out of my hand. My vision still blurred so I used the back of my hands to help recover my eyesight.

Brittany's face was the first thing I was able to clearly see.

"Thank you." My voice sounded so scratchy and foreign to my ears. My head felt like it was spinning and I couldn't help but think back to my dream. My eyes locked with the girl who had stayed here while I apparently had fallen asleep again after she told me about her dream. I have to admit, hers sounded much better than the one I just had. Why couldn't mine be filled with unicorns and magical gummy bears and pretty saviors?

I had to keep hope that one day they would.

"Did I fall asleep again?"

Brittany just nodded and watched me with sad eyes. I hoped one day she wouldn't look so sad around me. I know it was my fault. Who could be excited around a person who was such a mess? Such a lost, confused, ridiculous mess?

I wondered if my life before was just as messy. I wondered if I would ever know that answer.

"Santana, I've been thinking..."

The way she said it made me immediately terrified. My mind jumped to all the negative things that statement could imply. Sitting up straight, my head tilted in her direction, eyes urging her to continue and trying not to appear as scared as I felt inside. Perhaps she had been thinking being here was a mistake... that being here with me was a mistake.

"...would you like to go to the park with me?" She continued to look at me sheepishly, her glance drifting downward as if she wasn't sure how I would respond.

I took a moment to process. Obviously that hadn't been what I expected to come out of her mouth and I think she realized my confusion as she shifted a little on the couch toward me.

"I just- I saw this park right across from here when I drove over and I thought it could be nice to get to know each other better..." Her eyes started to widen as I bit down on my bottom lip, wondering what I could possibly tell her about myself at this point and I think she definitely realized her mistake immediately. "I mean- It's just- I mean- You know, like... I'm here, in your apartment and you don't have to talk about what made you upset or anything but I thought maybe I could tell you about myself or we could bring some more of your notebooks and read those or just get some bread and feed the ducks. I really like ducks. Or we could just sit there and-"

"Brittany..." I tried to stop her rambling. It's not like I could say no to any of those things. It may have only been a short amount of time but I knew I couldn't say no to her.

I noticed she kept listing things we could do including just sitting around watching other people or going for a walk or getting a bite to eat. She even mentioned taking me around town and explaining every place to me that she loved to visit. The way she was acting as if we were new friends and she wanted to show me around because I was new in town was refreshing. She wasn't walking on eggshells around me, afraid my face may turn into a waterfall of tears at any moment. She wasn't acting weird because I stained her shirt with tears the previous night.

I could see in her face she was still concerned about what had happened but her voice didn't hint at any concern anymore. She just sounded excited at the prospect of doing any of these simple, mundane, little day to day kind of things with me.

It made me smile.

Her rambling stopped when she noticed my smile as she trailed off her last sentence with a smile of her own to match mine.

"Brittany, I would love to spend the day with you."

* * *

><p><p>

I couldn't remember the last time I truly enjoyed myself. I mean, I actually couldn't remember it. The time I've had since waking in that hospital bed had been spent mostly reading notebooks, worrying, having nightmares, crying. Those had become my usual daily routine.

I felt kind of pathetic.

But that first time in the coffee shop with Brittany and especially now, things felt different.

We walked through town while Brittany acted as my tour guide, acting as if I hadn't seen all of these buildings before because I truly felt like I hadn't. I tried to soak it all in, hoping it would help trigger something, anything, with no luck.

I don't know if that was Brittany's hope too but she seemed excited to just be walking around aimlessly with me. I didn't really know why. It's not like I had much of a personality at the moment. But I had to admit, her excitement was rubbing off on me. I was starting to feel like I was just someone who just moved here and didn't know where a single thing was. Maybe that was how it used to be too, but I had no way of knowing that.

Brittany's rhythmic steps slowly came to a halt beside me and I stopped along her side, glancing to the building we were now in front of, _Perkin' Around_.

"I never told you why I hang around this place so much..." She started with a little grin, as if she were super thrilled to tell me all about the place. "Sure, it's mostly old people but some of the regulars are so sweet, like Mrs. Barrowman." I nodded a little. She really was a sweet old lady. "And it's hands down the best coffee in town. Wanna know why?" Her voice rose at the end of that question, as if her answer was something top secret that she couldn't wait to share with me.

I nodded again, this time a little more enthusiastic.

"My mom owns this place!" She threw her arms in the air like she couldn't believe it. "It was like her life dream to own a little coffee shop. She built this place up from the ground and with some support from my dad, she made this place into somewhere that we're all so proud of."

I smiled a little. This place was clearly such an important part of Brittany's everyday life and I already felt a connection to it because that's where we met. I already feel so grateful to have met her so the weird sense of happiness that her mother ever had the dream to build the place and succeeded currently taking over my insides made sense in a way. And I felt extra happy that her mother birthed a daughter that was currently my only friend.

At least I guessed we were friends. These are the kind of things friends do, right? Just walk around town together, show each other around, drive over to the other's apartment at night to help calm them down.

Be a super comfortable body to sleep against...

You know, the usual friend stuff.

Before I could comment on the new information of Brittany's mom owning this place she had grabbed my hand, pulling me inside with her. "Let's see if she's here, you can meet her!"

An involuntary gulp forced its way down my throat. My eyes widened and this simple moment suddenly felt so much larger than it maybe should have. No, I needed to get a grip. This was fine, no big deal, totally cool. This means nothing at all. She's my friend and wants me to meet her mom. She knows I need to meet people and get out of this place, I get that.

That's what this is.

Totally.

My gaze shifted to the ground the more I was led into the small coffee shop, Brittany's hand still wrapped around mine, guiding me.

It's interesting how my mood went from actually being calm for once in the life I could remember to a rush of nerves I had yet to experience erupting in my stomach. I couldn't lift my gaze as hard as I forced myself to do so.

I knew I was being silly but I couldn't help it. Everything was truly beyond my control at this point.

Part of me liked it.

The other part of me was terrified.

"Santana?" I felt a little tug on my hand and I blinked a little, staring at my hand in hers. When I realized I had stopped walking and she was waiting for me to continue stepping behind her, I caught her eyes and gave a hesitant smile.

I don't know if she sensed my nerves or what but her silent reassuring hand squeeze made my little smile more genuine as she continued to lead me up to the counter and I fell back into step behind her.

"Hey guys, what're you doing here?" Ashley greeted us from behind the counter with a big smile on her face as we stopped in front her, side by side.

Brittany gave her a big smile back and launched right into it. "Hey Ash, is mom around?"

"Oh yeah, she's in the back, lemme go get her." Before Ashley turned around I saw her eyes dart quickly down to Brittany's hand still holding mine at our sides, then lock on Brittany's eyes with a questioning look. I don't think Brittany noticed, though, because she didn't react before Ashley was walking away to retrieve their mom.

But I noticed. I couldn't help but glance quickly down between us to see that she hadn't moved her hand, not even a little bit, since we had stopped in front of the counter.

She probably just forgot.

And I wasn't about to remind her.

It felt SO nice. It was such a simple thing to hold a person's hand but the way my body was reacting to it made it feel so much bigger. Guess that was a common theme when Brittany was around. All the simple things seemed magnified by a million. The warmth of our connected hands rushed through my entire body until I swear I could feel it in my heart.

My eyes trailed back to the counter in attempt to have something to focus on other than the pretty pale hand wrapped around my tan one.

Ashley probably wasn't gone no longer than half a minute before she trailed back into the room with an older woman in tow. She resembled both of the Pierce sisters, which made complete sense, with her blonde hair with flecks of gray scattered throughout.

She also looked really happy, like her daughters. She had this grin on her face as her eyes met mine as if she already knew who I was, which seemed ridiculous to even think but maybe she did. It feels weird when people already know who you are when you barely know yourself.

"Hello baby girl, how are you today?" She asked Brittany as she reached over the small counter to give her a quick hug. I just watched, unable to do anything else.

When she pulled back from the embrace, her eyes landed on me again and she had the biggest smile on her face. "And who might this be?" The question was of course directed to Brittany. I watched her gaze trail quickly down to our still joined hands and then look at Brittany with a sparkle in her eye and an accusing smile. "Someone special?" Her voice became somewhat sing-songy as she said it, her smile growing even bigger if that were possible. Before either of us could react or object, she quickly added, "She's beautiful, dear! You two look so cute together!"

My eyes widened as I looked at Brittany, suddenly losing every bit of voice I previously thought I had. She thought we were together? And... she thought we looked cute together? I was having trouble digesting every single word this woman had said since entering the room.

I thought I was nervous before but now I felt the crushing weight of being extremely flustered. I didn't know if I should yank my hand away or keep it there. I didn't know which would be more awkward at this point.

Thankfully Brittany decided for me and stopped my internal debate about it. It seemed to take her a moment to recover from her mother's words but she was quick to widen her eyes, look down at our hands and pull hers from mine immediately. It wasn't forceful or scared, I think she was just embarrassed that it was still wrapped around mine and she hadn't even seemed to notice.

I missed it already.

I was still staring at Brittany, trying to process what was happening still, as she sent me a quick glance that seemed apologetic.

I wanted to tell her it was fine, it was more than fine, that I felt naked without her hand around mine. But I knew that wouldn't be the best thing to say right now.

We both looked back at her mom as Brittany took a small breath, trying to recover. "Uh no, no mom, we're not dating. This is Santana, she's my friend." Her mom gave her a skeptical look, as if she really wasn't believing it. Did we really look like we were dating? How could we look like we were dating after such a short amount of time? I mean, what?

"But you're right..." The flustered Brittany seemed to have left the building as she regained her composure and went back to being completely charming as she looked me in the eye and said, "She is beautiful."

That was the moment I got lost, completely lost, tragically, hopelessly lost in her bright blue eyes. She made it seem like a complete fact, not an opinion, as if everyone should already feel the same way. I couldn't look away, as much as I kind of wished I could have. It's not every day someone tells you that you're beautiful with such conviction that you almost believe it yourself. I almost believed it but everything inside of me was saying that it wasn't true.

That she was too good to be true.

The clearing of a throat made me snap out of it and break our eye contact. I have no idea how long we had been staring at each other, but I noticed a light blush creep up Brittany's neck and I couldn't help but think it was the most adorable thing I had ever seen.

Her mother was still smiling but the wide grin she had previously sported was taken over by a soft, gentle sort of smile as if she had just watched something magical happen.

Maybe she did.

I swallowed to gain my voice back and gave her a little smile. "It's really nice to meet you, Mrs. Pierce."

My voice came out more gentle than I intended but carried the message just the same. It really was nice to meet her. I didn't know much about her other than she owned the coffee shop and she birthed at least two daughters, but that was my favorite part. She gave life to Brittany, the girl who brought back mine.

I was saying so much more than nice to meet you.

I think she knew.

She kept smiling at me with that same smile she had watched Brittany and I with as she walked around the counter to stop in front of me, only to pull me into a soft embrace I was not expecting at all. It almost felt like she didn't want to squeeze to hard in fear of breaking me.

Did everyone automatically know I was broken?

"So nice to meet you too, Santana." She said quietly as I started to hug her back.

I knew it should have been weird and uncomfortable for my friend of only a short time's mother to be hugging me upon first meeting but it wasn't. None of this was as weird as it should have been.

It all felt right.


	8. Cherish

A/N: Just a quick thank you to everyone who has read this story and special thanks to those who have reviewed. I really appreciate it. I have finally graduated college and am starting a new job, hence the absence, but I have hopes for quick updates to come. They will be longer. Hope you all stick around for more. Thanks again!

Chapter EIGHT - _Cherish_

It had been a week since I last saw her. Going from such a constant, the one thing I could count on from not seeing her at all was rough. I knew I was being selfish, though. She had legitimate excuses... even though I'm not sure what they were. Brittany, to her credit, called me every night before she went to sleep and caught me up on her day. Sort of. She always seemed to be leaving out huge chunks of details that were probably relevant to her whereabouts, but I guess that was okay. I mean, I didn't need to know where she was all the time. I just liked feeling included in her life.

Throughout the week I started feeling like my life was getting back on track, little by little, even if my memory was no better than before. I went to that book store I apparently work at, _The Book Nook_. Martha was just as nice as she seemed on the phone, happy to share stories of what I was like to work with and things that I seemed into. Apparently I was a hard worker, passionate about the books around me and Martha and I always had in depth conversations about some book or another whenever I would work. She said I kind of kept to myself other than that but she did know I liked writing. During every break I would write in a notebook, a different one every day. Martha told me I should dedicate my first book to her. Though I felt like I didn't know her at all, she made me feel cared for so it was an easy thing to agree to. Now if only I could find that passion for writing I evidently had.

Figuring I needed to simply try and stop dwelling on a past I couldn't even remember, I obtained a work schedule and was intent to start making money again. I kind of had to anyway if I didn't want to end up homeless. My savings would only get me so far.

It had quickly become a habit to text Brittany throughout the day, even if I felt like I didn't have much to text about, because she really was the only friend in my life right now.

To Brittany: _I'm officially a human who works again. Celebratory dinner tonight my place?_

Biting my bottom lip, I wondered if that seemed too forward. But, well... I hadn't seen her in awhile and I really wanted to. She had been here before, even stayed the night but those were special circumstances. Special I'm crying my eyes out and need someone to hold me circumstances. I hit send before I could over-think it anymore.

Brittany: _Sorry, I really can't :( but happy about your job! :)_

Sighing loudly and feeling dejected, I flopped down on my couch and stared at the text message for a few minutes. Of course she wouldn't want to come over. It's not like I had much of a personality to offer anyway. She probably was questioning why we even still talked. She probably doesn't even-

My phone buzzed loudly in my hand, cutting off my trail of self-deprecating thoughts, with another text from Brittany.

Brittany: _Well... would you maybe want to come over to my place instead? I want you to meet someone. You don't have to but I'd really like it if you did. :) I want to see you!_

The smile that took over my face was surely the most absurd sight. Thankfully no one was here to witness it. I read the text message again and again, each time my smile faded more and more. Wait... She wanted me to come over to meet someone? Like a special someone? Like a significant other someone?

What else could she mean? My bottom lip was stuck under my teeth, not being able to stop worrying it while I tried to think of what I should could be a total disaster or something really great. As much as I didn't want to go over there and sob uncontrollably when she shows off her hot significant other, I knew I wouldn't be contemplating a response very long.

I mean, she said she wanted to see me after all. Who could say no to that? I was typing a response before I could freak myself out about it anymore.

To Brittany: _How do I get there? :)_

The smiley face was a good touch, I thought. I didn't want her to know how much my heart rate increased with every passing breath as I stared down at my phone. Or how my insides twisted uncomfortably at the thought of her being taken. Or how I momentarily stopped breathing when my phone beeped and I officially had her address.

Swallowing down the uncomfortable lump in my throat, I tried to summon back those happy, giddy feelings I first had at the thought of going over to her place. What the fuck was I going to wear?

* * *

><p>Shifting uncomfortably at the doorstep of a quant apartment across town, I stared at the number on the door and glanced down at the text message she had sent me several times to make sure they matched. The last thing I want is to knock on some door hoping a beautiful blonde Brittany would open it only to find some creeper with a nasty beard scowling at me.<p>

It took me a little longer than I originally thought it would. I contemplated riding my bike but I didn't want wind hair so I went with a cab. It didn't take too long but the cabby could not stop talking. Since this town isn't that big I was probably his first customer all day, maybe all week so he was extremely excited to see me, apparently. I wasn't as excited to see him. I was just nervous to see Brittany.

And this mystery person... well, I could do without them. Probably. Maybe.

If the person was important to Brittany and she wanted me to meet them, well... I guess I had to force down all my silly, perhaps unwarranted, stupid jealous feelings and be a good friend like she had been to me.

She was just my friend, after all. The only one I really had.

I had changed my outfit about five times before deciding to just put on some dark skinny jeans and a red v-neck. I didn't want to seem like I was trying too hard... and I didn't want to dress up because that would look weird and be super awkward if I really was meeting someone she was dating.

What if she wasn't even dating this person, what if it was a husband or a wife? I was suddenly feeling very sick at the thought, so much so that I turned to leave right when I heard the door open and a quiet little "hi" sound behind me.

Blinking a few times, I tried to right my breathing as I slowly turned to the door again. There stood a little girl with bright blonde curly hair and wide eyes. She had the cutest little pink dress on and half her body was behind the door. She stared up at me like I was the most interesting thing she had ever seen.

I blinked a few more times and though I was confused, a small smile appeared on my face as I tilted my head to the side a little at her. She was adorable.

The moment didn't last long, some rustling and footsteps appeared behind the girl as a hand pulled the door wide open and Brittany was there. That's when I realized that holy shit, this was the right apartment and did Brittany have a kid? My eyes widened a little as I watched her look down at the girl in attempt at looking stern but her soft voice counteracted the expression, "Adie. I told you not to open the door without me, honey. What if instead of a nice pretty lady," I smiled a little at that, unable to keep the blush from my cheeks, "there had been some creepy beardy guy who wanted to steal all your candy?"

The little girl frowned dramatically, whimpering a little at the thought of some creepy guy stealing her candy. "Otay," she mumbled but never once broke her stare from me. I gave her a little smile which made her immediately look up at Brittany and try to bury her face into her leg. She was shy.

It only made me smile more.

Her arms lifted as a silent request to be picked up and Brittany sent me an apologetic look as she picked her up. The girl curled into Brittany's side, holding onto her with a tight grip.

"I'm really glad you came," Brittany finally acknowledge me, ushering me into her apartment with a smile. "Sorry, I didn't mean to leave you in the hallway, I didn't even hear you knock."

I didn't correct her and tell her I didn't. That would lead to me having to tell her why I was just standing there like a weirdo and even almost left without any intention of going inside. I'm glad I didn't. Even though this little mystery girl was confusing me, she was still cute and even if Brittany did happen to have a kid, I was sure I would love that kid. I think I could love anything and anyone having to do with Brittany.

Or, uh, like anything or anyone having to do with Brittany.

_Like._

Pushing the door shut behind me, I glanced around at the living room I was now in. Everything felt open and light, some sort of flowery smell filled the room and I couldn't help the deep breath of air I took in. It smelled nice and looked nice and just felt so... _Brittany_.

I followed her over to the couch in the middle of the room and sat a cushion away from her. She shifted the little girl on her lap, trying to coax her head out of her chest. "C'mon Adie, I want you to meet my friend Santana... don't worry, she's super nice and doesn't have a beard at all." Brittany grinned at me and I just laughed, waiting calmly for this girl to acknowledge her surroundings once again.

The girl mumbled something against Brittany's chest that I couldn't hear but it seemed Brittany did because she gave me a big smile and giggled before responding to the girl in a quiet voice that I could hear clear as day, "I don't know, baby, why don't you ask her yourself?"

Slowly but surely the girl pulled away from Brittany's chest and after another reassuring smile from Britt, she shifted in her lap to face me, still looked wide eyed and unsure. "Awe you a pwincess?" Her voice gained volume and confidence at the end, as if this was the most important question she had ever asked and really needed an answer.

I imagined most of her questions were like that at her age.

My eyes widened just a little at her question before they went back to normal and I chuckled lightly, glancing at Brittany's amused expression before looking back at the little girl's curious face. I didn't want to break her hopes by saying no but I didn't want to lie by saying yes.

I chose a different route so I wouldn't have to do either one.

"Why do you think I'm a princess?" I asked gently, sure to keep my voice kind as I thought she may flee if I spoke normally. Not because of my voice sounding crazy or anything, she just seemed so very shy that I didn't want to risk it.

The little girl looked up at Brittany and she just smiled encouragingly back at her. She looked back at me. "You pwetty like Pochahantas!" Her eyes lit up as she said Pochantas and I thought it was so funny that she could say that complicated name but seemed to have trouble with other words. I smiled big at her and laughed quietly, wondering if Pochanatas was even a princess. Was she? Oh yeah, she was an Indian princess. I had to watch that movie again.

"Thank you," I responded quietly, shaking my head a little at her compliment and kept my big smile intact. "But you are way prettier than even Pochantas."

Brittany smiled at me and then down at Adie as she bashfully buried her face back in her chest, dramatically shaking her head as if such a thing could never be true. Then she suddenly got really shy again and whispered something to Brittany that I couldn't quite make out. She glanced over at me and looked back up at Brittany with big questioning eyes. Brittany simply shrugged, whispering something back to her and giving me a little smirk.

My heart skipped a beat. I didn't know what was happening or what they were talking about but I liked it.

"Will you watch Pochantas with us?" Adie had lifted her head from Brittany's chest once again and was looking at me as if I would say no and crush her heart any second. I just smiled softly at her and nodded my consent. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my day.

Adie squealed and jumped off Brittany, running out of the room I guessed to get the DVD. "Change into your pajamas, pumpkin!" Brittany called after her, laughing quietly and shaking her head like she knew she would have that kind of reaction if I said yes.

My happy smile had melted into a somewhat confused one and when my eyes locked with Brittany's, I know she understood why I wore such an expression. Her smile faded a little as she sighed quietly. "I- I hope you like kids, I guess I should have mentioned something first, if you really don't wanna watch a movie with us it's fine, I ca-"

I quickly shook my head and cut her off before she could continue, "No! No... I mean, listen, I don't think I'm the best person with kids or anything but Adie is adorable and I would totally love to see Pochantas again. Thanks for inviting me..." I trailed off, unsure how to continue. I mean, was this Brittany's kid? She sure was pretty like her and had the same color hair practically but maybe it was her little sister? Or another relative or something? Maybe she was just babysitting?

Brittany caught on to my confusion again and smiled a sad smile at me. "Sorry, I know you probably have like a million questions... Well, Adie is my best friend's daughter. Her mom is going through a lot right now and kind of has been for awhile, always in the hospital so she has been staying with me for a pretty long time..." She trailed off and glanced down to her hands in her lap she was clutching together. I could tell she was giving me short, not so detailed answers to my unasked questions. I didn't know if it was because Adie could come running back in at any moment or she just didn't want to talk about it right now. Either way, I was happy to hear more about her life even if the situation sounded really sad.

"Wow, I... that's such an incredible thing to do for a friend... I hope she gets better," I said softly. I wasn't sure what else to say. It really was an incredible thing to do and I couldn't imagine having to practically raise a kid that wasn't mine. Or even one that was.

Brittany gave me another sad, appreciative smile, nodding her head a little. "She's a really incredible kid so it's not so hard, I just wish she was able to spend the kind of time with her mother that she should be able to. But thank you for staying, Adie doesn't really have many friends or get to see a lot of people so she's really shy but I can already tell she likes you."

I didn't really know what to say to that so I just gave her a weak smile and little nod. I could relate to not having many friends or getting to see a lot of people. I wouldn't really have any friends if Brittany didn't put up with me.

My body jolted a little as Brittany rested her hand on top of mine, sending me a concerned look with a tilt of her head. I simply smiled again, this time genuinely, not being able to keep it off my face. I liked that she cared about me after such a short amount of time because I knew I cared about her.


End file.
